Episode 117: What? “You Are Dead to Me”

I heard Jennifer Lopez say her husbands are dead to her.
The interviewer instantly understood — and so do we, right?

But what does it say about our understanding of “You are dead to me”? I feel stunned about the assumptions underlying our ideas about death, life, and grief.

When we say “you’re dead to me,” we usually mean you’re gone, you’re cut off, you no longer exist in my world. If death means something bad, final, and to be avoided, then we’re saying life is good and death is bad. So what happens to our ideas about an afterlife, or the sense that something continues?

It’s easy to follow the dread-of-death path — with all the “death-defying” creams and anti-aging promises, from supplements to six-figure longevity programs.

I watched a judge on The Voice tell a 19-year-old singer, “You have the voice of a woman in her 40s.” Everyone cheered. Then another judge joked that it would be terrible if she sounded 80. Why is that? We accept how a child’s voice changes without calling one good and one bad. But when aging enters the picture, we label and fear it.

Many of us find peace when we meditate, pray, or spend time in nature. We feel connected — whole — for a while.
Then we step back into the world and start chasing: more youth, more success, more control.

Are our mixed beliefs — about spirit and about living — splitting us in two?
For a short time, we let go of judging. Then we go back to trying to escape aging, loss, and death itself.

Is there another way to face the dread without joining it?
Can we live and grieve differently?

Anderson Cooper tried avoiding grief for decades, hoping it would protect him from pain. But he said that when he finally allowed the pain, joy returned to his life.

For me, when my daughter Melissa died in 2018, I found something I didn’t expect — a new kind of connection. My relationship with her now is constant, steady, and not limited by the dualities and bumpiness of life.

I find it fun to notice the change in Anderson from his struggles in the beginning of his grief podcast — in conversations where he felt embarrassed by his emotions — to witnessing the man today who said:

“You can still have a relationship with somebody who's died. And I have a relationship with my dad that's extraordinary, and I know him better now than I ever knew him when he was alive, when I was a little kid. And I feel my dad.”

*Anderson’s podcast is called “All there is” and you can find it HERE.

**You can watch a beautiful six-minute conversation between Anderson and Stephen Colbert HERE.

Colbert once said: “Can we really become grateful for grief?”
He believes heartbreak can open us to love. I do too. Allowing grief — all the feelings, from despair to longing — helps those emotions complete.

Thinking about Melissa no longer hurts. She feels like a wise advisor and a presence that guides my life.

So I’ll ask you:
Is there a pain or struggle you’ve been burying?
Is that working — or has it left you feeling numb, looping, or stuck?

Do you wish there was a place where you could be honest and allow all emotions to complete? Let me know if you want to explore more of what is going on for you with me.

Our soul personality, our Essence is what we all yearn to know and live from without the compartmentalization that takes away from wholeness.

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Rosalyn Rourke is a psychotherapist, best-selling author, and Master Enneagram Teacher with over 30 years of experience helping individuals navigate grief, trauma, and personal transformation. Her work blends deep professional insight with personal experience, particularly following the sudden loss of her daughter. She is the author of When Wisdom Arrives: From Imagined Unworthiness to Freedom and regularly speaks on topics like mortality, resilience, and emotional healing.

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