I Don't Want (to want to want this)

A lo-fi film about how I unknowingly and knowingly torment myself for my own entertainment.

Completely written and filmed (including the song) in a couple days last thanksgiving break with a cassette Handycam, then forgotten about for like 7 months until I decided to record sound and finish it this past week. My life is a meta-commentary on this film. And the album isn’t close to being done. But I’m working on it. Yup.

Music score was made with a Volca FM.

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Not wanting to want/desire something is like meeting up with an ex that you still have feelings for. You know that you will be better off if you did not desire this person. If you had full control over your psyche, you would make it so you did not desire them anymore. That is not wanting to want something, desiring to not desire something.

One step further is not wanting to want to want/desire. Firstly, this involves wanting to be a person that has different desires than you. It is because this person has different desires than you that you want to become them. You want to desire this person's desires. Eventually, this desire to be this person consumes you and is ruining your everyday life. Keep in mind, this is all for the striving towards an object/objects you don't actually care about (only the person you want to be desires this object, not you). One day you wake up and realize that you don't want to be that type of person anymore. But now it's so deeply engrained in your life and your identity that you can not simply shake off this want. You are stuck wanting to be this person who desires a thing that you don't even care for, and you don't want to be stuck anymore. That is not wanting to want to want something.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to get out of this predicament, drop a comment below. Thanks.

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FAQ:
Q: how up your own ass do you have to be to make something this self-centered and think this is worth anyone’s time?
A: probably pretty far

Q: do you realize that just making self-referential and self deprecating statements doesn’t magically make a work good?
A: I just found out

Q: are you just hoping to evade legitimate criticism by straw-manning your fears so you can respond with snarky yet apathetic comments?
A: yup