i am — laudna’s song

are these my hands? is this my skin?
is this the place where i begin?
am i a tree? am i a leaf?
is autumn coming for me?
i feel i’ll be pretty
as i fall
to the ground beneath

i had a dream, i think, of pain
and when i woke i had no name
no words to speak, no heart to beat
nobody coming for me
maybe they’ll remember
in the spring
til then, i’m good at hiding

i am not a haunting
i am not a memory
i am not a bad thing
i’m asking you to see me
don’t scream

there is a voice inside my head
it means i’m useful, though i’m dead
i give her hands, i give her feet
she says she’s waited for me
i need her dearly
i’m alone
it’s nice to have the company

sometimes i sit and seasons pass
i sing with birds and speak with rats
i start to see: i am a dream
nobody’s waking for me
that makes it easy
i’m alone
just my voice to guide me

i am not a being
i’m not fair or lovely
i am not a light thing
still i want you to like me
don’t go

is this a trick? is this the dream?
i meet a girl who doesn’t scream
she takes my hand, i touch her cheek
she says i bring her relief
she calls me music
i could cry
the voice inside me writhes

are these my hands? or are they hers?
i have the mouth, she has the words
i’ve torn the seam, i’m on the tree
nobody’s coming for me —
they come to get me
i could cry
i feel alive

i am not a puppet
i’m no longer empty
i’m afraid to touch it
but i have power inside me
it’s mine for making
mine to be
the voice will work for me

i’m in my body, in my skin
i pick the place where i begin
i am the tree, i am the beast
i am the music, the sleep
i am the beauty
in between