4 Hidden Male Archetypes That Guide Every Relationship | David Coates

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Even the darkest voice in your head is trying to help.

In this episode, I sit down with psychotherapist David Coates, trained in Internal Family Systems, to explore parts work with men. Together we trace how the mind operates like a family system of parts, and how those parts show up in relationships when they’re driving the bus. We also map the four extreme male strategies David has observed across years of clinical work and what shifts when they’re seen clearly.

The problem is simple to name and hard to live with: when I blend with a part, it runs the show and pulls the relationship to the perimeter. The move is to unblend, get curious, and stay centered while refusing the bait.

You’ll Learn:
[00:00] Introduction
[04:17] Why Internal Family Systems can finally make sense of your chaotic mind
[06:01] How regulating your inner world stops the suffering loop you keep replaying outside yourself
[08:12] The radical reason there are no “bad parts” because even suicidal thoughts have a protective logic
[10:02] What happens when a therapist meets every part with zero agenda or judgment
[14:55] The real patterns behind “toxic masculinity” and why labeling men as narcissists misses the point
[20:46] How to recognize when you’re getting pulled into someone else’s chaos, and hold your own center
[26:15] Why your partner’s most frustrating traits might just be old survival strategies
[37:54] How reconnecting with exiled “little-boy” parts unlocks lost power and presence
[51:15] What true healing looks like when an identity built on defense finally collapses

Find more from Dr. David Coates:

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Website: https://www.davidcoates.world/

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