Million Dollar Babies?

Clifton and Shay are back—and this week they’re asking the big, uncomfortable question: Why does everyone assume we want kids? From screaming airplane babies to the shocking math that raising a child in Southern California can creep toward a million-dollar investment, the duo takes a brutally honest (and hilariously petty) tour through modern parenthood.


Shay breaks down why she’s a proud card-carrying member of “Hell No, I’m Not Pregnant,” while Clifton reflects on how his views have evolved—from “maybe someday” to “my friends with kids look exhausted and broke.” Together, they roast societal expectations, grandparent pressure, “crotch goblins,” gentle parenting debates, and the myth that everyone secretly wants to be a mom or dad.


Equal parts unfiltered, thoughtful, and wildly funny, this episode is for anyone who’s ever considered being childfree, thought kids were overrated, or simply wondered where that extra $32,000 a year could go instead. Spoiler alert: They love kids… they just don’t want any of their own.


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Some notable moments from this episode include:


00:10 – “Are You Pregnant? Absolutely Not.”


00:40 – Holiday Travel: The Ultimate Birth Control


01:33 – Shay’s Status: A Firm “Hell No” to Motherhood


02:42 – The Gray Area of Saying “Maybe… Someday”


04:55 – Clifton’s Unexpected Reaction to a Past Pregnancy


06:09 – When Friends Have Kids and Disappear


09:23 – “Crotch Goblins” and the Fear of Having a Shithead Kid


11:30 – The Shocking Math: A Million-Dollar Child


15:27 – The Real Perks of Being Childfree


21:01 – thinning the Herd & “Fuck Them Kids”


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