How can you tell if a man will be a good father? A psychologist answers this question.

How can you tell if a man will be a good father? A psychologist answers this question. I often receive direct messages from women who want to look into the future. One of the most common and concerning questions is, "Mark, how can you tell if a man will be a good father in the future?" This question is not trivial. Statistics are unforgiving, as many couples break up immediately after having a child. Why does this happen? Let's explore the reasons.The illusion of a family collapses the moment a new person, a child, appears in the house. If a woman has not identified her partner's infantilism and psychological immaturity at the stage of acquaintance, she will not be prepared for the partner's entire nervous system and psyche to be "exposed" during this crisis period. Infantilism: The Main Enemy of FatherhoodWhat does an immature man do? He develops an internal rejection of the child. He becomes angry, resentful towards the woman, and jealous, even to the point of absurd situations, such as being jealous of the baby's touch on the mother's breast. He creates conflicts, often without even understanding the nature of his behavior. The root cause lies in his traumas. These traumas are often from the early stages of his life, the first few thousand days. They are traumas of abandonment, rejection, and lack of love. This man perceives the birth of a child as a betrayal. He believes that: "You rejected me, you exchanged me for another. Now I'm not your child, I'm not your first priority."And he runs. He runs to his mother, complains, and looks for the maternal energy that he feels he has lost. He may choose to escape from the relationship or take revenge on the woman and the child by his absence. So, who is a good father?The answer is not so straightforward. Let's explore the concept of fatherhood from different perspectives.Imagine a man who is pulling the whole family. Wife on maternity leave, money is catastrophically not enough. He is looking for any opportunity to earn and sees his children at best once a week. Is this a good father? Rather yes than no. He acts according to the circumstances and is responsible. There are men who are very included in children: play, crawl, take with you everywhere. And there are those who are at a distance, spend time not as much as they would like. Is this a bad dad? Not necessarily. So for me, a good father is a man who doesn't shy away from taking responsibility for his children.No matter what happens between him and the woman - divorce, hatred, distance - he will always find a way to be in contact with his child through care and love. Even if the mother and child are on the other side of the world, his love can be expressed in a small amount on a card, which will buy new pants or take the baby to a cafe. He does not disappear. How to recognize a mature man at the stage of dating? There are simple but working recommendations. Pay attention to: How does he talk about children? About any of them at all.If he already has children from previous relationships, how often does he see them? What does he know about them? One day, a girl asked me how to check on such a man. I advised: "Ask him what size shoes his daughter has and his son's height is." She asked. He faltered. This is a wake-up call. An engaged father knows such little things.Of course, there are exceptions. I know a family with 16 children. There, a father may pause for a moment when he recognizes his child on the playground. However, this is an exception that proves the rule. A key indicator of maturityAsk yourself a question: how does your man feel about the fact that you can't have sex for a while? For example, due to health reasons or after childbirth, when a woman has tears, hormonal changes, or uterine prolapse (and this happens in my therapeutic practice!). How can you talk about loving a woman if she can't have sex with you? "What's the big deal? What about the kids?"A man's behavior in such a situation is a litmus test. A psychologically mature partner will not throw tantrums, be offended, or seek solace elsewhere. They will understand that this period needs to be endured with mutual support. They will be as involved in the woman and the child as possible. But what about women? To avoid encountering an immature man, women need to take the crucial step of achieving psychological maturity themselves.The first step is to diagnose your traumas. If you "sound" through the trauma of rejection, you will attract men who will bring you closer and then push you away. An immature woman may push a man out after the birth of a child, turning him into an empty space. She begins to shut him up with phrases like "shh, the baby is sleeping," isolates him from household chores and childcare, and allies with her mother against her husband. The man feels like an outsider in his own home. A family is an evolving systemIt is important to understand that a family before and after a child is born is two different structures.1. Mon...