Ending Relationships

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Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.

That’s the famous line from the tom cruise movie - cocktail.

Please, I don’t want it to end this way
Coughlin’s Law: Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.

The way i read it is - if you don’t have a bad ending, it doesn’t end.. Or in other words.. It’s still going. And that’s what i believe - if you don’t have a period of hating someone, you won’t be able to form a new relationship. So in reality, hating someone can be the best thing.

Maybe hate is too strong a word - but you have to break your feelings for that person because if you don’t break your feelings, they don’t change.

When i was a boy my dad and i were best pals. He was the sweetest, i was the cutest, bla bla bla. Then when i hit puberty, i would be a little prick to him, and when he got annoyed, i pushed him even further. This lasted for a year or two. And as much as i’m ashamed of my behaviour, i think it was necessary. We have a great relationship now but i think that as much as he loved me back then, he saw me as a little boy, and wouldn’t have been able to see me as a man if we hadn’t broken our existing relationship. Then from the ashes of that Adult / child relationship, we built a new one - as two adults seeing each other.

You can’t move on until you’ve closed the door definitively. And it’s hard right? Because even now you never delete their number so you could text them, you can check their instagram, you can have some connection to them whether it’s real or imagined or whatever. But you didn’t break up, so you don’t hate seeing them. You don’t hate getting a text.

Why would you want to do that? Why is that important? Well you’re setting yourself to be unhappy in two ways - one, you’re dragging out a semi pseudo relationship forever. If/when you see them with someone else you’re going to get a little jealous. SO now you’re heartsick because that person’s with someone else, and you’re also frustrated with yourself because you aren’t even “allowed” to feel this way.

Problem #2: It’s not easy to find someone else at all, let alone when on some level you’re thinking about or devoted to someone else. To fully commit to another person, you have to leave all the others behind.

So what’s a “good” breakup? I’m no expert, but i really feel that you have to go through a period of time where you just don’t like the other person. That’s why it has to end badly - love never really goes away, but you can shift your view of them to one of distaste. Maybe that even happens while you’re together; in fact, sometimes it’s easier since their shit is in front of your face. And you have to dislike them for a while. Sustained dislike.

Don’t attack the other person. It’s not easy, but as much as you “hate” someone i think you can maintain some level of respect for someone you shared time with. I’m not condoning keying somebody’s car, for example - trying to hurt someone else won’t make your hurt go away. That’s the Batman principle.

Maybe just write your feelings down on a piece of paper and then throw the paper in a fire or something - like in a fireplace, i’m not giving you permission to burn your ex’s house to the ground.

But that’s how you build a new relationship - from scratch. Whether its with an ex or someone new, relationships form between two people at two new points in their lives who can have a history but are writing a new story.

So, if you’re going through a tough time and struggling Ii’m saying that i’ve been there, and it’s natural and it’s ok, and your feelings are never wrong so don’t avoid them. And definitely go through a formal breakup if you want to. Ghosting can seem easier, or even kinder, but look at how you’re feeling, think about why you’re feeling those things, and maybe you can even embrace the process.

And Two, maybe think about if you have anyone in your life you’re half committed to and if it’s holding you back from anything better. You shouldn’t go through life avoiding heartbreak, heartache, because those feelings mean you really went for it and it didn’t work out and it sucks but it’s something to be proud of. And tthe other end of the spectrum is there too. Finding that real happiness finding that person that sets your hair on fire is the ultimate goal, and i really feel like if you’re not ready to commit you won’t be able to get there. And it’s not something you want to miss.

Good luck. See you next Tuesday.