This is Not a Plan (Ciaphas Cain) - A Warhammer 40k Inspired Song

Commissar Ciaphas Cain is either the most lucky coward in the Imperium or has the biggest imposter syndrome. If you ask him, he would say it's just luck, there is no skill involved.


"Cursed Sounds from the Warp" is a collaborative project between myself and my friends to utilize "Abominable Intelligence" to develop funny/cursed concepts utilizing the Warhammer 40k lore. The song concepts are based on word play or exaggeration of faction traits to put together comedic and catchy songs of various styles.

Downloadable on SoundCloud:
  / puppet-spider  

Now on Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/artist/5MlG9...

All tracks are DMCA free and can be used in videos or streams however you like. Credit would be appreciated.

[Lyrics]

[Verse 1]
The hive was burning, smoke and steel,
Tyranids swarming, oh how to feel.
I took one look, and nearly fled—
But no, I had to lead instead.
I grabbed a vox, I cleared my throat,
My voice went high like a strangled goat.
I meant to scream “Retreat! Run back!”
But somehow it came out “Flank and attack!”

[Chorus]
This is not a plan! This is not a drill!
I tripped and pointed toward the hill!
They thought it meant to circle around—
I just fell down and hit the ground!
Don’t cheer my name, don’t praise my deeds—
I only yelled because I fell to my knees—
This is not a plan! It's me, surviving again!

[Verse 2]
I ducked behind a wrecked Chimera,
Found Jurgen eating a ration bar.
A flamer nearby exploded bright—
I screamed, they called it a signal light.
I climbed the rubble, gasping for air,
They shouted “Look! He’s rallying there!”
I fell into a trench mid-yell—
They called it “Cain’s Gambit.” I called it “hell.”

[Chorus]
This is not a plan! This is not a game!
I only ran when the Lictor came!
That wasn’t courage — that was fleeing!
I only survived ‘cause I kept retreating!
Stop carving statues, cancel the band!
I don’t deserve a medal, I deserve a hand—
To pull me out from this command!

[Bridge]
They look at me like I’ve got a map…
But all I’ve got is fear and crap.
I point, they charge, I scream, they cheer—
The more I flinch, the less they fear.
They think I’ve got some master plan…
But I’m just a man.
A very lucky man.

[Final Chorus]
This is not a plan! This is not control!
I just make it up as I go!
They saw precision in my flailing stride—
Called it strategy. I just tried to hide.
But if I live, I’ll take the fame...
Just don’t expect me to do this again!
This is not a plan…
...but hey, it worked.