Pondering over the past 7 months

When I was at the Beulah Youth With a Mission (YWAM) base in Zambia I was seated around a fire, answering questions about my trip with the people engaged in their Discipleship Training School. I was asked what was the most unexpected thing, or biggest surprise of my travels. Without needing to think about it, I answered, “I thought I was going to be more of a tourist, & not as much a pilgrim.”
I have been all three of Rick Steves travelers. I have showed up to attractions & clicked a few photos & left. I have shared meals with local families in their homes. I have cried alone in fear & experienced the gentle, healing presence of God.
When I imagined this trip from the comforts of my life in the United States, drawing arbitrary lines on maps and imaging timelines, I made lists of attractions and sights to see. I have lists of items to check off in each destination. Thought I was going to be more the tourist but ran up against myself & the world.
I have never been an extrovert. This is not news to anyone who knows me. I like people, but I require lots of alone time to center myself & recharge. Visiting a tourist site, like the Blue Mosque in Istanbul, like most tourist attractions, requires a lot of time around a lot of people. I enjoyed these sites & felt grateful to see them, but then I needed time to myself.
Tourist attractions are often expensive too. When having to pay for fuel, visas, food, lodging, & other expenses those little extras add up quickly. There is also a great deal of effort, for me, to travel overland. Seeking places to sleep, eat, get fuel, trying to communicate with people, & stay safe. All of this requires a great deal of energy, for me.
I understand there are those who can leave home with a small backpack & a few coins & travel the world using half the effort that I have. I am not them. I am scared a lot. I need to have a full stomach & a hot shower, frequently. Every so often I need to stay in a secure place for a few days before setting out again. I need to really psych myself up to ride my motorcycle in the traffic of Istanbul, Baghdad, Nairobi, or Uganda. I am not bullet-proof, streetwise, or savvy. I rely on the grace of God, the kindness of strangers, & frequent electronic connections with my friends & family.
I thought I was going to see all of the sites & do all the things, but I have learned more about myself & my God. I have realized how safe & comfortable I was in the United States & particularly in the West. Since I have removed from my family, friends, language, culture, & comfort my day-to-day life has distilled down to food, health, safety, relationships, fuel, paperwork, & finances. I know I always required those things, but their urgency has never been so clear and demanding.
Despite feeling stripped down & vulnerable so much of the time I have also felt comfortable & even elated. I experience moments of clarity when I truly experience where I am & what I am doing in a particular moment. The noise in my head of my thoughts, expectations, feelings, traffic, or millions of other distractions are silent for a moment & I & truly present.
Speaking of expectations, I have found this to be my greatest weakness. Expectation gives birth to impatience, frustration, fear, & anger. Expectation diminishes or eliminates my happiness, hobbles my decision making, & keeps me from being present. Expectation is the result of seeking control, & seeking control is born out of fear.
Constantly being reminded that my expectation/control/fear is the source of my frustration can be exhausting. I try to trick myself & widen the parameters of my expectation, so I allow myself to be happy if I arrive at my destination within two hours of an ETA instead of 30 minutes. This is only an attempt to trick myself & still robs my happiness & contentment. Somewhere there is a peaceful zone between an expectation & a goal. I am searching for that zone.
Stopping in a place for 2 to 3 days allows me to quiet some of the noise in my head & reflect & process that I have seen where my ancestors lived in the Czech Republic, rode across the beautiful country if Iraq, ate roasted goat in a Maasai cattle market, was way too close to a bull elephant in Zambia, & a billion other remarkable moments. I have meet some of the most incredible people that are far beyond anything I could imagine. Friends, relatives, & absolute strangers at every step of my journey have taught me about hospitality again & again.
My fears of traveling through Iraq were met with constant invitations to tea, dinner, and roadside selfies. When my motorcycle was layer down in the middle of a city in Türkiye, or on a miserable road in Kenya, or on a bridge in Tanzania, or in a construction zone Botswana I have always been met with kindness & assistance. I have never been given a reason to justify my fears.
I left home planning to be a glorious tourist. I am her in Namibia humbled, grateful, & closer to God.