My Newest Diagnosis and Thoughts

"I recover out loud because I nearly died in silence" -anonymous
In today's video, I'm sharing my most recent diagnosis and a few thoughts regarding it. I honestly go back and forth from one diagnosis to the other, thinking, 'I'm just not sure... is it possible to have both?' Maybe I should just move on and continue to work on myself... regardless of what my diagnosis is... welcome to the confusing world of mental health lol.

I did find Lens Neurofeedback to be incredibly helpful. I found myself getting "stuck" mentally, from my move from the robust/expansive city of Los Angeles, CA, to the backwoods/sticks of Billings, MO. Just the population count threw me for a loop, let alone the lack of 'city'. Lens greatly helped my mind with this abrupt culture shock: https://shorturl.at/BSE6H

Also, September is National Suicide Awareness Month. If you are currently struggling, please open up to someone -- anyone -- for help. If you feel like no one is hearing you or taking you seriously, try the 988 number. It's hit or miss (like anywhere) but you might end up talking with someone who really hears you and can help you.

The following is a small glimpse of where I was mentally, last year:

When I collaborated with a former psychiatrist (of 2+ years) and his co-founder on a podcast idea, I tried to ask for help but was declined. I was then told to try Talkiatry or go to the ER. I wish I could have had a referral. I begged for one...

"Dr._____, can I come to seen.?"

"eh... no"

ok.

"T_______, can you be my doctor?"

"No. Sarah, you really have to think about the relationship before and after..."

Before & after what?!

The podcast was supposed to go live on March 1, 2023.

It didn't because I was struggling & considering ending my life.

“If I do this for you, no one can know I was your doctor,” - Dr. D____

I then pushed the series back to April 1, 2023 which then became my suicide date. That date came & went and the podcast was still not live. I could sense growing frustration from my former psychiatrist (who pushed for the series to be filmed "before the 14th of February") & I believed him and his co-founder may or may have not been cyberbullying me as a result. (NOTE: I have been cyberbullied by my own family in the past & they were caught & admitted in doing so, so this idea is not a stretch... it's not "crazy" or uncommon... people leave anonymous hate comments under alias names and blank avatars every day:    • READING MEAN COMMENTS FROM VIEWERS  . meanwhile, I was scratching my head wondering, 'why is my doctor not doctoring me? Why is he *only responding when it's about the podcast? Why did he tell me he would only do this podcast if I kept it a secret that he was my doctor?'

I have since made both of the series private.

Series One:    • A Psychiatrist Shares About Medications & ...  

Series Two:    • We Need to Keep Talking About Stephen “tWi...  

Viewer, please do not send hate to anyone. NO ONE deserves that. NO ONE. If you are a supporter of mine, please respect this wish. I am trying to find grace here while also living out of spite. How does one forgive and also heal? How does one show compassion to others AND to themselves? My move from Los Angeles, CA to smalltown, MO was a psychiatric medical emergency and LA was/is simply overcrowded. Too many people out there are suffering and not getting the help that they deserve. And these doctors hurt. They manipulated me and left me confused on purpose. How would one *not lose their mind? Lack of clarity from a mental health professional… they knew exactly what they were doing and did not care that it could potential harm me… Dr. ___’s former patient.

I am now a survivor of psychiatry.

I survived Dr. D____.

All my mind was screaming at me in each psych ward was, “BUT YOU WERE MY DOCTOR!!! YOU WERE MY DOCTOR.”

How many interviews are recorded/filmed and NEVER see the light of day by anyone? By when do you realize.. maybe this isn't a good idea? Do I stop? Do I continue? How does one move forward? How do you heal and what does that look like? I've heard that the "road to hell is paved with good intentions"... that hits differently now. Mistakes are made. People learn. Or they don't.

How many people lose their mental health support & never get it back? How many people lose their doctor, only to have a new one who does not hear them but only pushes pills & bills? How many therapists will one work with until they find, 'the one?' How many people go into the healthcare field only to realize that this system needs immediate changes for patients & healthcare workers alike? Does one then pursue law school??? Again, welcome to the confusing world of mental health... the grey area is roomy.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you" from my favorite poet, Maya Angelou