Kyle Korver All 221 Three-Pointers Full Highlights (2014-2015 Season Three-ilation Part II)

The story so far: I met a chick at Dunkin Donuts who was so hot and persistent that she made me break my vow to never again form relations with a woman. We went to my apartment and started watching Dude Where’s My Car. I took a pee break and when I came back she was on my computer.

I was in shock. I mean, you have to have balls to just start using somebody’s computer without permission. I could see she was just using Facebook, though. Girls are obsessed with that stupid site. That’s one thing I don’t get.

“Oh hey, I needed to check some stuff and my phone’s screen is so small,” Meg said. I was like “Don’t you want to finish the rest of the movie, maybe we could cuddle” and she giggled. I could tell she was going to be down for some stuff after the movie finished or maybe even while the movie was still going on. So she logged out of her Facebook and closed the window. I thought I was home free until she asked “Why do you have a folder called ‘Gross Things’?”

I tried not to panic. “You probably don’t want to click on that, it’s pictures of puke and bugs and stuff. We should just watch the movie instead.”

When she double-clicked the first video clip I was getting ready to reach over and unplug the whole operation. Kyle Korver was going to ruin my life again. My whole life was flashing before my eyes. But when his handsome, perfect face came up on the screen, Meg wasn’t having any of it. “I can tell why you put this guy in the gross folder. His face is all lumpy. It’s like Ashton Kutcher got punched out by Mike Tyson.”

When she said that it was like I could breathe again. Right then and there I knew I wanted her to be my GF since there was no way that she would ever get on a plane to Atlanta just to have a chance to sift through Kyle Korver’s trash bins looking for used condoms to get herself pregnant with. She kept watching the videos and by the end we were both laughing and making fun of “ugly” Kyle Korver.

“Wait, who was that?” she asked suddenly, pausing the video. I kept smiling but my soul knew that something bad was coming up. She went backwards a little bit in the video until she got to a shot of the Hawks bench. Front and center was that overgrown elf Mike Muscala.

“Oh you mean that guy with the big ears? That’s just some nobody. I heard he likes dudes.”

Meg pointed at the screen. “No, this guy. Who’s that? He’s cute.”

I thought about trying to make up a fake name but my brain felt all dopey so I just told her it was Pero Antic. Sometimes, despite being an alpha, I just can’t think of the right thing to say.

“Oh. Anyway, we should finish watching the movie.”

That sounded good to me, since it didn’t seem like she was obsessed with that bald Macedonian freak, so we got back on the couch and under the blankets like before. I had been kicking her feet with my feet before so I tried to do that again but for some reason she was a lot less playful. When I went in for some smooches she sort of half-heartedly let my lips rub up against hers, but when I stopped all the could say was “where’s Pero Antic from again?”

“Macedonia.”

The rest of the movie you could tell she wasn’t paying attention. She was kind of blankly staring at the TV and not even talking about Ashton Kutcher anymore. That made me mad. Then the part with the head-butting ostriches came on and I didn’t even laugh. That’s how you know I’m mad. That’s like the funniest scene in modern cinema. Eventually she took out her phone and started playing with it.

She thought I couldn’t see, but I could see in the reflection on the window that she was looking at flights to Macedonia. There was still twenty minutes left in the movie when she said she had to get going.

Remember, this chick is really hot. 9/10. I’m not going to go down without a fight. I told her about how much money I make doing highlights. Yeah, the numbers were fudged a little, but you guys understand, right? A chick who works at a donut shop should be obsessed with dating rich guys like me. Everybody wants an upgrade.

But that didn’t even stop her. She walked out the door and I don’t think that I’m going to see her at Dunkin Donuts tomorrow. Not like I want to, but still. I didn’t even get to tap that after I spent all that time wooing her.

I mean, Pero’s still in Atlanta right now because of the playoffs. I don’t know who she thinks she’ll find when she lands in Macedonia. Probably a bunch of Greeks trying to tell her that the name Macedonia actually belongs to Greece. Maybe Pero’s mom will be there. One thing I know for sure is that nobody goes to Macedonia on vacation. It’s like Cleveland. Maybe she can find a guy who looks like that creepy loser.

All I know is that DownToBuck is never going to so much as talk to a woman ever again. Ever. Right now I’m eating all the bags of Doritos that I bought special for the occasion. They taste okay even when you’re crying.

I mean, Pero freakin’ Antic. Are you kidding me?

Part I:    • Kyle Korver All 221 Three-Pointers Full Hi...