"Could Have Been Anyone" by Aubrey

Being left by a narcissist (or someone whose behavior mimics it - but could just be a horrifically wounded person themselves) after decades is devastating, sadly liberating, and depressingly otherworldly. I always thought we'd work it out. I loved him more than anyone and after all these years, he chose to go. After I waited, after I bent to adapt to him, after I sacrificed and suffered to stay with a man who never chose me - after the first time he chose me. Ever since our wedding day, I have felt abandoned and alone. And now I am in every sense of those words...

Accepting that he probably never really loved me (because he loves everyone - and no one) is shaking my sense of reality. What was real? What wasn't? Is this a midlife crisis? Or, did he never really love me at all? Why did I "take" being second, third, fourth, hundredth place to everything else he prioritized over me? Especially, if he didn't really love me?

Any person going through a divorce or separation, specifically one that lasted over half your life, knows how much this hurts.

I've been writing these songs and I'm feeling confident that they sound pretty dang good, but saddened that no one really seems to care. I haven't received many comments, views, etc. Yet, my Dollar Store videos get the attention. Really? I guess it tracks. What's really, truly important isn't valued.

And I am writing and posting lyrics that are genuine and heartfelt. If only for my own grieving process and maybe for a few kindred spirits out there who need to know they are not alone. It's worth it. God hears us. We are never truly alone, my friends. When our hearts are breaking and the wounds in our lives bring out our best AND OUR WORST, God is ready with open arms to comfort us, forgive us for the feelings and thoughts we can't even help but have- the pain truly brings out our monsters.

I know how you feel. You didn't deserve to be forgotten, left behind, ignored, criticized, or whatever they did to break your heart. You deserved a faithful, devoted, loving soul to recognize you as their one and only. I'm sorry you didn't get that kind of love, yet. Although I have hope that one day my heart will heal and I will not be alone in this mortal life, I know that the only love that is truly faithful and enduring is God's. We cannot expect a perfect love to come out of imperfect vessels.

When you do love, or when you love again, I hope the one you love is kind. I hope you are kind. And I hope you (and me, and us all) can leave behind the wounds, burdens, distrust, and losses that we knew before. We are not truly "deserving" of a perfect love, but we need it. We cannot give a perfect love, but we should try. And in the name of Jesus Christ, I pray, may the the Lord comfort us until he greets us home....into his perfect love forever.

God made each and every one of us. No individual is replaceable. No soul is interchangeable. We are each special and I know we all long for that other soul who sees us and loves us inside and out, with a love that cannot be lost or stolen.

I pray that Jesus Christ shows us how to love one another better. That we learn from his example how to be selfless and genuine, to live a righteous life because it's right and not because we want something from it. I pray that he puts his hand on our hearts, souls, minds, and physical bodies to heal us, protect us, and guide us.

In his name and will be done. Amen.