Satan Throws a Luau in Hell - SOUTH PARK

Father Maxi speaks about the horrible devices of Hell as Satan has a Luau.
"Do the Handicapped Go to Hell?" S04

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CARTMAN
Hey you guys, you know what my favorite
psalm is?
Cartman opens the bible and pretends to read it.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
(Pretending to read)
It's a man's obligation - To stick his
boneration in a woman's separation-
Stan, Kyle and Kenny start to giggle.
STAN, KYLE & KENNY
(Giggle)
CARTMAN
-This sort of penetration will increase
the population of the younger generation.
The boys all try to contain themselves, laughing with their
eyes closed and holding their stomachs as Mackey continues.
MR. MACKEY
God is in the midst of her, mkay. She
shall not be moved, mkay...
KYLE
(Laughing)
Wait, wait, wait! It's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration in the woman's-
CARTMAN
(Interrupting)
It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation to
increase the population of the younger
generation.
The kids all laugh hysterically.
KENNY
Mrph rm rmph rmhrmh rmhr - Rmhph rm rmhpr
rmh rmh rmhph - rmrh rm rmph mrph rmyph
rmrph-
CARTMAN
No, no, no, SeparATION.
STAN

It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's-
The priest appears right behind him. The other boys see this,
and drop their smiles.
PRIEST
BOYS! You are in CHURCH!!
The kids all look scared.
MR. MACKEY
The God of Jacob is our refuge, mkay.
The Priest walks up to the alter and takes Mackey's place.
PRIEST
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone...
Today... We are going to talk about...
HELL!!!!!!
The priest spits this last word right at our four boys, who
shrink back in their seats with fear.
PRIEST (CONT'D)
HELL... Is not a very nice place.
Burning, searing flames... Screaming...
Torture... FOR ETERNITY!!!
The boys start to tremble.
PRIEST (CONT'D)
Once you are in hell - you cannot escape.
You live forever in horrible pain. In
burning agony! All sinners are there in
misery, dying over and over and over...
The camera BOOMS DOWN slowly, down to the floor, then
underground the church's basement, then past more earth,
different layers.
PRIEST (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(In the distance)
If you be cast down into this black, bog
of stench then woe is thou! For Satan has
made it the most miserable place in the
universe...
It seems endless. Down, down and down we go, the Priest's
voice getting more and more distant, the images getting
darker and darker.
PRIEST (CONT'D)
And he will be your ruler - your ruler of
pain and agony...
Finally, there is some light again and we are near hell. We
see the first glimpses of flames. Tall, rugged dark mountains
and rivers of fire -
INT. HELL - DAY
Now we are fully in the depths of hell. The camera MOVES
slowly, panning across the horrible landscape. The camera
continues to PAN, past a sign that reads 'Welcome to HELL!',
we can see a gathering in the distance... The camera now
TRACKS in, slowly, Finally coming to a stop on a sign that
says 'Don't Forget! It's LUAU SUNDAY!!!!'
Now we cut to the action. Everyone in hell, Satan, the
demons, lots of celebrities, tortured souls, are all gathered
for a big, festive luau!
There is tons of traditional Hawaiian Food, and lots of
frozen drinks. Decorations of leis and tiki items. Some folks
have Ukuleles, on which they are playing this merry, Hawaiian
tune.
EVERBODY
(Singing)
Are we going to the hookie-lau?
The hookie hookie hookie hookie hookie lau!
Satan throws the Huki Lau net out into the water and then
dances hula style.
EVERBODY (CONT'D)
Are we going to the huki-lau?
The huki huki huki huki huki huki lau?
Everybody loves a hookie lau
GENE SISKEL
I do.
EVERBODY
Where the lau lau is the cau cau at the luau
We throw our nets out in to the sea.
All the ama ama come swimming to me.

Are we going to the hookie-lau.
The Hookie Hookie Hoookie Hookie Hookie lau.
There are some evil demon girls in grass skirts.
DEMON GIRLS
(Dancing)
Are we going to the hookie lau?
Satan hops over to some tortured prisoners.
SATAN & TORTURED PRISONERS
The hookie hookie hookie hookie hookie
hookie lau?
DEMON GIRLS
Everybody loves a hookie lau!
EVERBODY
Where the the lau lau is the kau kau at
the luau!
We throw our nets out into the sea!
All the ama ama come a swimming to me.
Are we going to the huki lau.
The Hookie Hookie Hookie Hookie Hookie
LAU!
DEMON GIRLS
Luki Luki LAUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
The song ends and everyone falls down laughing.
One demon jumps on a guys head and bites into his skull.
DEMON
Grrr!!!!!!
GUY
OOWWW!!!!
Blood spurts out of the guys head. This makes everyone laugh
even harder.
INT. HELL - LATER
The Luau is over and everyone is leaving. Satan stands near
the exit seeing everyone off.
GARY
Great Luau, Satan!
SATAN
Thanks! See ya, Gary! Thanks for coming.
Oh, bye Marsha!
More people leave as Satan waves goodbye.