I'm not dead.

I tried to be as honest as possible.
I'm not proud of everything I say, but it's what has been on my mind. Even the irrational and selfish thoughts.
iTunes: https://goo.gl/O5zgOQ | Bandcamp: https://goo.gl/RWWVXn

► Support me on Patreon:   / boyinaband  
► Facebook:   / boyinabandcom  
► Twitter:   / davepbrown  
► Tumblr:   / davebiab  
► Music: http://boyinaband.bandcamp.com

Director:
MZ

Camera team:
Rachael Hutchings
Ciaran O'Brien

Mix:
Jonathan Schnitzspan -
   / fortiorijohnny  
  / fortiori.de  

Lyrics:
I’m not dead
I’m not fixed, but I’m not giving up yet
I’m sick of saying that I still don't have anything done
I hate telling friends I’m trying something just to give it up

I’m still unsure of my emotional state
I’m still incapable of focusing lately
I don’t feel like creating
I’m tired of asking Google how to find motivation
I don’t think I’ve ever made something that’s as good as I’m capable of

I hate not having a reason to look my best
I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet
If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then
I am so so glad that I hated myself

I didn’t luck into this position
I struggle with decisions
I wouldn’t be my own friend, I’m too inconsistent
without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished
If these words make it to your ears it’ll be a fucking miracle.

I’m fortunate to know more good people than most do
I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to
I’m pretty good at like 20 different skill sets
At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I wish this beat hit harder
I wish more syllables rhymed
I know 99 percent of people really don’t mind
I think collaborating forced me to finish things ‘cause
I was terrified of wasting famous people’s time

I wish I could focus on what I define priority
I wish I was as grateful as I want to be
I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable
But if I did, I wouldn’t let them waste their time on me while I’m disabled

I feel alone
I know I’m not
I used to talk to lots of people. Lately I’ve stopped
They didn’t deserve it, I’ve been a terrible friend.
I couldn’t bear to let myself become boring to them

I don’t let myself get my hopes up. I love people who do.
Ah, I never know if what I say I feel is the truth
I wish I didn’t instinctively try to be less specific
So more people could relate when they read along with the lyrics

I can be happy in the moment
I am not when I reflect
I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better
I hate it

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt
But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

I can’t predict what I’ll do. I can never be sure
I am terrified of making promises any more
I can’t face my work, I feel sick from the word
I genuinely believe I’m capable of changing the world

I still think I can get better
I still think I can create and get pleasure from it
I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree
And become the best version of me

I don’t want to stop


Thanks to my patrons:
Lance Thackeray, Jarrod Kailef, Adam Calladine, Caitlin Brown, Lady Mandy, Claire H, Lee Flores, Johnny Baird, Luis Ugalde, Bryan Lake, Sarah, Oscar, Jamie Cox, Beth Stauffer, Will Fussell, Thomas Lloyd, Leonita Gaspard, Benjamin Behrens, Sergery Khegay, Blake Nye, Garrett Taggart, Pi Fisher, Sam Baker, Janine Myers, Michelle Paulman, BitFaze, Michael Everson, Kieran Rice, James Russin, Andrew Bower, Luke Bunnett, Katlyn Palmer, Jay Logan, Ofer Mustigman, Nash.


► You can become a patron here if you want to or you can just look at the list of things on there out of curiosity or you can just like not do either of those things yo it's your life maybe go hiking it’s a good source of cardio:   / boyinaband