Dark Souls: in Summary

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Long ago, during the Age of Ancients, the Dragons ruled a boring, one dimensional setting. The Dragon version of Tolkien was said to have once put to pen the idea of a tree that was sort of a brownish gray, instead of just gray. He was immediately executed for his dangerous, heretical ideas. It would take the four Lord Souls - weird spirit things that some naked zombies found in a fire - to put an end to this era of stupidity. The Souls transformed these naked, on-fire zombies into naked, on-fire humans that would quickly learn just how on-fire they truly were.

The Furtive Pygmy was the least popular of all the four Lords. He was slammed against many lockers, and was totally turned down by the Witch of Izalith when he asked her to prom. But the Pygmy understood how to play the long con, and set a dark plan in motion: to have sex with countless numbers of zombies. Like, thousands of them. No butterface was too stank for the Furtive Dick, in those days. From this long period of weird, secret corpse fucking, there arose all of humanity.

All humans today are descendents of a single corpse fucker. The gods - descendents of the other three Lords - were totally freaked out by this. From their big ass ancient city, they would rule over this sea of incestuous corpse fucking murder-happy pedophile weirdos, who also were all midgets. This would later be known as the glorious Age of Fire. Eventually, the gods would leave the capital of this age of horrifying sexual frenzy. Human historians would be totally confused as to why.

And so was set, the stage for the possible beginning of a new, Dark Age. Where supposedly it'll still be corpse fucking, but without light? I guess? Set forth, noble sex weirdo, to claim your birthright and fulfill the dark wishes of the Furtive Pygmy. It'll be rad. Probably.