Toxic Shame when you're a victim of abuse - The complicated feelings around Childhood Sexual Abuse

Explore how toxic shame affects abuse survivors, distinguishing it from healthy shame, and learn strategies for healing and overcoming self-blame.
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This video is for those of you who had childhood trauma, who perhaps carry some shame because you had mixed and complicated feelings about that abuse. And what I mean by that is you were groomed, and maybe you liked or initiated some aspects of the situation, and now you perhaps feel ashamed, because you feel confused about whether you were a victim or a willing participant. This can directly contribute to PTSD and CPTSD.

I think our collective silence about this topic leaves survivors of abuse feeling like they’re the only one who felt confused about their part in the abuse. That leads to shame that leaves them thinking that they’re broken, bad, or deviant. And CPTSD can impact people for a lifetime.

By the end of this video you’ll be able to understand how the complicated nature of abuse and trauma leads to toxic shame, and also, how to work through that.

Most CSA happens in a much more devious, manipulative way and I would say, is more harmful to your long-term self-esteem because you believe you were complicit. The abuser is usually a family member or friend, your parents may know and trust this person, they might be an authority figure. This can create a confusing mix of feelings, where love or trust coexists with feelings of betrayal and harm.

So let me be clear, even if you liked or initiated some aspect of the abuse, that is not a sign that it wasn’t abuse. Children cannot consent, and are never complicit in abuse. Kids just simply don’t have, they shouldn’t have the background, and context to really understand what is going on.

00:00 Intro
01:42 Childhood Sexual Abuse Explained
08:40 Therapy
12:09 Summary

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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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