Laplus' swing set workout makes Lui lose it

hololive's Laplus Darknesss and Lui Takane talk about crying and cochlear workouts.

Original stream:    • 【 オフコラボ 】#ラプルイ がハンバーグ食べる…ただそれだけのコラボです。【ラプラ...  

‪@LaplusDarknesss‬ ‪@TakaneLui‬



After being bested in the Oozora Keisatsu Fun Run by a dachshund named ‘Slowpoke’, Officer Subaru thought it was high time she got a gym membership and worked on her cardio. It wasn’t her style to do much research beforehand. Forethought and planning was for nerds. So, with all the vim and vigour with which she threw herself into all she did in life, she pasted a smattering of gym advertisements on the wall of her apartment, blindfolded herself with a dish towel, and threw a dart at the wall. As soon as she heard the solid thunk of the needle-tipped dart sink into her drywall, she ripped off the blindfold and strode over to see what Lady Fortuna had decided for her.

The pinned ad read:

HoloX Fitness Center: Are you a loser who couldn’t beat a wiener dog in a foot race? Well, waddle your dumpy tail-feathers down to HoloX Fitness Center and become the sleek swan of your dreams. Sign up for a monthly membership and receive a free jockstrap (lightly used). Limited time offer.

(This membership is contractually binding. Upon failure to show up and work out more than two times a week, HoloX reserves the right to submit the signee to KoyoLabs for ‘perfectly ethical human experimentation’.)

Officer Oozora couldn’t help but feel this ad was directed specifically at her, a thought that both intrigued and terrified her. Without reading the small print, which, of course, was for nerds, she threw on a sporty outfit and caught the metro. The entire ride over, her heart was aflutter with the excitement of new beginnings, her mind buzzing with the thought of new possibilities. She was in the highest of moods right up until she walked through the front doors of the gym.

Hieronymus Bosch could not have imagined a more bizarre hellscape.

To her immediate left, a dog in a yellow coat was beating the snot out of a punching bag. She thrashed it with such vehemence that it snapped clean off its moorings and crashed to the ground. But that didn’t stop the dog. She just kept laying into it, haymaker after haymaker. Over and over and over, until the sand within the bag had turned into glass under her blows. She paused to wipe her brow before screeching, “NEXT.”

Near the free weights, a gorilla with an angelic countenance was bending barbells like a clown making animals out of balloons, while a devil in a baseball cap had set up a soup kitchen and was feeding the destitute and hungry. Subaru wasn’t sure, but she thought she might’ve seen her cure a leper of their leprosy.

A purple cat was slumbering on a recumbent bike. A shrine maiden had somehow reduced the water fountain to a heap of ashes. A candy-themed princess was curling in the squat rack, wearing a wifebeater that read, ‘Fuck around and find out nanora.’ A lion, laden with more firearms than Rambo, had set up a makeshift shooting gallery out of five-pound plates and was taking pot-shots at them much to the concern of the blue-haired elf whose job it was to hold them up.

If there was one thing Subaru knew, it was when to leave. And that’s just what she would have done had not a big-horned sprite of hellish origin stood barring the only way out.

“Leaving so soon?” said the demon child, much like a Bond villain. “You’ve hardly broken a sweat.”

Subaru was possessed of the formerly useless ability to sweat on command, a talent she now employed as if her life depended on it. “Oh, would you look at that,” she said, her face glistening. “Boy, I’m beat. I had better head on back home and hit the shower. If you’d just excuse me…”

“We’ve got showers here.”

“I prefer my own, thanks.”

“Why? What do your showers have that ours don’t?”

Subaru hesitated for a moment. “Water?”

The demon child’s smarmy grin collapsed into a pout. “You win this round,” she said, moving to the side. Subaru sidled past her like she were a primed claymore that might explode at the slightest misstep, slipped through the front doors, and was back in her apartment so fast no wiener dog in the world could have matched her pace.


https://ko-fi.com/leifmaplesson