stages.

#ldycompetition


Thank you all for the support over the years. This project is not a love letter, it is not a hate letter, but a crystal clear window, my frankenstein.

chapters words;



1; y'know, I've seen a lot, done a lot, and been through a lot, some related to the funny flipping things, some not, but no matter what, I've always had one in my pocket. they mean a lot to me, a core part of who I am, and a medium for me to express myself, and progress through life, meet some of the closest friends I've ever had, and experience life in a way that, strangely makes me grateful for it. I love balisongs, for better or for worse, they are a piece to my puzzle.


(smurf kraken) 2; I feel like I can do it all, and accomplish anything, so why can't I do this? I can feel my progression, but, it's not enough, it's never enough, and it will never be enough. Whatever I can do, there's at least 100 people who can do it better, more efficient, more consistent, cleaner, with better execution than I ever could. I'm outside of my element, even in what I would consider my element, that even in the space I inhabit, I will never be able to achieve the greatness I so yearn for.


(orion) 3; I dream so big, work so hard, and build so tall, just to fall that much faster, to hit the ground that much harder, and splatter that much farther. That is the mark I leave behind, a red stain that taints the reincarnated self. It's a curse, of history, regret, and unbelievable insecurity that follows me like a loyal dog. I loathe who I was, and what I'm labeled as, and no matter how much I change and grow, my titles remain the same.


(tachyon 2) 4; if only there was a goal to reach, money to make, sights to see, a world to conquer, then maybe, just maybe it would be worth something, anything, to someone out there. but, there's no infrastructure to make that happen. one day it will happen, I know it will, I just have to hold out, pray, beg, and connect with the right people. maybe then, we won't be the only skill toy hobby to still be devoid of a proper competitive scene. but tell me, how does one survive in a desert without an oasis?


(backline v3) 5; I'm just another nobody who will disappear with the sands of time, destined to make an impact as earth shattering as an insect's first and final steps. My achievement is nothing more than personal, and while I respect and look up to my peers, it only means that in turn, they must look down to meet my gaze. It hurts, so bad, to feel so far behind every single one of my friends, to admire such people who will kneel down to look me at eye level, like we naturally are, but when they stand back up, it couldn't be further from the truth.


(wife kraken) 6; and so, we meet again. it feels like every road i take leads me right back here… reality, as it loves to do, crushes me like a summer ant, to be forgotten as soon as my body becomes one with the soil. I will never be the best, I will never achieve the greatness I desire, I will never be able to reach the peak I so much wished to climb to, to plant my flag in history... and in the end, it's ok. I don't need it. I really really thought I needed it, the desire for validation and success, success I will never taste, or see... thankfully, I don't think I have the pallette to taste such a divine course.


7; I am still breathing, I can still move, I can eat, talk, walk and function enough to be just another person. I don't need all this stress that comes from something I love so dearly, something I love, love enough to eat me from the inside out. I feel sick, but healthy, I feel on the brink of death, but my clock still ticks, I feel hopeless, but I see another day, day after day after day. I am blind, to reality, but it's from my own decisions, I just need to take the blind fold off, and go on a walk. I'll see you guys later, text me sometime, let's catch up.



my will is empty, nothing but incoherent scribbles and haphazardly scribbled hearts.



I'm taking a step back, life had plans for me that I couldn't plan for myself. I am happy.

I'll still be at blade show, but that's about it.

Don't expect much from me anymore, I don't want anymore expectations.

I have a few posts left to make, a couple of exceptions, for the people I love and cherish more than anything, and that's all I have left in me.

The entitlement drove me away more than anything.

It's been a good run. Maybe I'll come back in the future, but I can't and won't promise anything.

I wish you all nothing but the best, genuinely.

Thank you.