sad multifandom | losing a friend [my atlantis]

✗ can we normalize grieving after a friendship breakup or are we pretending that shit doesn't hurt?
─ ❝ dear person, who'll never read this.
I know this is so cringy and melodramatic, but it's always been my kind of therapy in life. that's why I kinda started this channel in the first place.
I keep texting you like a diary entry because it's part of my nightly routine in a way and it helps me to see the bigger picture when I write my thoughts down. it's weird not to get a reply and to see the messages disappear. (they do that when you're blocked, in case you didn't know)
A lot of people told me I can talk to them, like you said they would, but I can't, because the only person I wanna talk to isn't talking to me anymore. I keep listening to our playlist, which isn't helpful at all, but I don't think I wanna feel better right now. I always loved to get lost in my own kind of pain.
And I told you I'm not mad, but I did get mad for like a good hour while editing this. I got mad because it feels so easy for you to do this, when I feel like someone ripped something of me. I know it's not easy for you either but I know you'll be okay in a few days and you'll be happy and I know I won't be okay because I've told you things that I never wrote or said out loud before and you were there when I wanted to end things anyways but kinda kept me wanting to live.
So I tried to be mad because I would never do this to you and I would never make you feel this way because it would break my soul to know you suffer because of me, but I can't really be mad because I understand.. in a way.. and I've never been in your situation. I might've done the same thing honestly. Who can tell. I usually lose friends because of distance, like that is a recurring theme for me and tbh I don't think I've that many friends left soon since they all seem to move away, but never because they had to choose and chose the obvious choice. I wouldn't even want you to choose me, because I know that would break you, I just kinda wish I could go back to when both were an option. I hate being a problem for you and possibly putting the most important thing in your life in danger, which is your relationship of course.
It's weird, this time I can't hide in my own fantasy and words because writing reminds me of you and I can't just pick up my favorite book because I know those are your favorites too and I can't even look at my favorite artists instagram because I know you're probably doing that right now because we like the same. I can't even eat stupid subway. How idiotic is that? How can someone be in so much pain for something so dumb? Jesus, I feel like an idiot. But then again, I used my insomnia to watch around 100 videos about friendship breakups and apparently that's a thing. So glad I'm still the basic norm, even when it feels like I'm losing my mind.
Honestly, even though it makes me mad, part of me even hopes you don't feel the way I do because I would never want you to be in pain.
So I'll keep writing with the ghost of you and in a dramatic effect see my messages disappear every time . I know you're not even going to read this cause I feel like this is the last channel you would click on right now, but I had to write this for me and for everyone who is reading this message because I know we're not alone in this situation. Anyways, it's only been 48h and I miss you more than u know.
so my twin flame from a past life, you can keep our brain, I don't need it.
til' next life, where you give me latin lessons..

sad multifandom ≈ visual representation of losing a friend.
song: my Atlantis - seafret
tv show: gossip girl, euphoria, ginny and georgia, outer banks, teen wolf, goldfinch, girl meets world, to the bone, the society

✗ sorry, that I'm not a person anymore. I'm a problem.