ODE TO PENNSIC WAR IV (aka "You Can't Swing A Broadsword When You're in the Forest" Song)

Written by Michael "Moonwulf" Longcor. Pensic IV was held on 30 August 1974 near Cleveland, Ohio. Lyrics below:

ODE TO PENNSIC WAR IV
By Moonwulf
(First Verse's Tune: "Rising of the Moon",
Remaining Verse's Tune: "Lizzie Borden")

Oh, last year way out in Cleftlands, Rolac led us forth to war,
So that we could fight the Easterners at Pennsic number Four,
We marched on in with knife and mace and shortened ax and sword,
The Eastern Tygers didn't and that's how we won the War.

'Cause you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
The Eastern Fighters learned to their dismay,
No, you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
That extra steel keeps getting in your way.

Merowald, he led the harriers out to sneak and strike and run,
And to knock off Crown Prince Angus and to have a lot of fun,
They laid their ambush cunningly so they could win the day,
Then they turned around and found the Eastern Army in their way.

You can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
Not even when it's planned as a surprise,
No you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
And an ambushed ambush isn't very nice.

Father Odin raged and thundered down all through that grim campaign,
And showered lightning bolts around, and poured eternal rain,
We thought it quite inspiring as we slogged through bog and fen,
'Til we saw a soggy cinder where the sergeant should have been.

You can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
Especially when you see the lightning spark,
No, you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
Unless you feel like glowing after dark.

We found the Eastern Army drawn up out there in the mud,
And we closed with them and fought it out and turned it red with blood,
Oh, the fighting, it was vicious, as we closed in hand to hand,
And then we hit the beehive, and the corpses jumped and ran.

'Cause you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
If your codpiece stings and swells and turns bright red,
No, you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
The buzzing isn't coming from your head.

The battle finally ended there out in the mud and damp,
We could beat the Eastern Tyger, but we couldn't find the camp,
We finally found our way back and the final figures state,
"Middle Kingdom, three; East, two, and Mother Nature forty-eight."

But you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
And I'm tired of fighting while the rain pours down,
You can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
I don't mind steel but I don't want to drown.

Oh, you can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
You can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
You can't swing a broadsword when you're in the forest,
I don't mind steel, but I don't want to drown.