Authentic or Just Likeable? The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing

Ever feel like you’re performing in your own life, smiling, agreeing, blending in just to be accepted?
This video explores the psychology behind people-pleasing, identity and what it really means to be authentic.

🧠 What We Explore:
✔ Why people-pleasing often starts in childhood
✔ How attachment theory and conditional love shape our self-concept
✔ The psychological cost of being likeable and how to reconnect with your real self

📚 Psychology Sources Referenced:
Full citations at the end of this description.
Carl Rogers on congruence and self-image
Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth)
The fawning trauma response (Walker)
Emotion suppression and self-concept clarity research
Goffman’s theory of social masking and performance

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📚 Book Recommendations.
(By actual psychologists + grounded in research)
1. The Body Keeps the Score

Author: Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
Why: Explores how trauma is stored in the body and brain. Beautifully readable and deeply healing.
Themes: Trauma, nervous system, healing
Great for: emotional patterns, survival behaviours or self-protection.
🔗https://amzn.to/4motSVf

2. Self-Compassion

Author: Dr. Kristin Neff
Why: The go-to book for understanding and building a softer inner voice. Research-backed but deeply human.
Themes: Inner critic, shame, emotional regulation
Great for: breaking patterns, rebuilding self-worth and quieting perfectionism.
🔗https://amzn.to/4jdxXbU

3. On Becoming a Person

Author: Carl Rogers
Why: A foundational text in humanistic psychology. Empowers readers to embrace who they are with unconditional acceptance.
Themes: Authenticity, self-concept, personal growth
Great for: inner identity, belonging or “coming home to yourself.”
🔗https://amzn.to/45phvC2

4. Attached

Authors: Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Why: Offers a clear, psychologist-led explanation of attachment styles in adult relationships. Incredibly accessible.
Themes: Love, fear of intimacy, emotional availability
🔗 Great for: relationships, emotional cycles or why we keep choosing the same types.
🔗https://amzn.to/4j8t7N1

5. The Happiness Trap

Author: Dr. Russ Harris (based on ACT—Acceptance & Commitment Therapy)
Why: Explains why chasing happiness often makes us feel worse—and what to do instead.
Themes: Avoidance, mindfulness, emotional flexibility
Great for: challenging toxic positivity, shame and forced productivity.
🔗https://amzn.to/3ZrUNp7

6. The Gift of Therapy

Author: Dr. Irvin Yalom
Why: A behind-the-scenes look at therapy and what it really means to grow. Gentle, poetic, and full of insight.
Themes: Connection, change, insight
Great for: curiosity about therapy or wanting to deepen self-reflection.
🔗https://amzn.to/3GX3S38

🌿 Gentle Reminder:
Disclaimer: This video is for educational and informational purposes only.

I’m not a licensed psychologist or therapist. Just a psychology student sharing research and ideas that have helped me and might help you, too.

If you’re struggling with your mental health or need personal support, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional. You don’t have to figure it all out alone 💛

📖 References Used in This Video:
Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1978) Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum. Google Books Preview
Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss: Volume 1 – Attachment. Hogarth Press. Open Library
Campbell, J.D. et al. (1996) ‘Self-concept clarity’, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), pp. 141–156. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70....
Clance, P.R. and Imes, S.A. (1978) ‘The impostor phenomenon’, Psychotherapy, 15(3), pp. 241–247. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006
Goffman, E. (1959) The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. Doubleday Anchor. Internet Archive
Gross, J.J. and Levenson, R.W. (1997) ‘Hiding feelings’, Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), pp. 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.106...
Kernis, M.H. and Goldman, B.M. (2006) ‘A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity’, in Zanna, M.P. (ed.) Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 38. Elsevier, pp. 283–357. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(06...
Rogers, C.R. (1959) ‘A theory of therapy…’, in Koch, S. (ed.) Psychology: A Study of a Science, Vol. 3. McGraw-Hill. Archive Access
Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Books.

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