164 The Many Faces of Trauma | Small t, Big T and the Missing Middle

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“Small t” and “big T” are common trauma terms meant to validate, but they can also trigger comparison, minimisation, or shame. In this episode, you’ll learn what these labels usually mean, why they sometimes backfire, and how to replace ranking with a more compassionate, nervous-system-based framework. You’ll also get a simple reframe list (cumulative, relational, chronic vs single-incident, acute) and a short grounding practice to help your system step out of comparison and back into the present.


In this episode, you’ll learn

• What people typically mean by big T and small t trauma
• Why the “missing middle” matters (quiet, chronic, relational stress that still shapes the nervous system)
• How comparison keeps people stuck: “It wasn’t bad enough” vs “I’m permanently damaged”
• A clearer alternative to ranking: impact + support + recovery
• Polyvagal-informed understanding of why the nervous system doesn’t rank events “on paper”
• A short, safe-for-most grounding practice focused on validation and present-moment safety

Gentle reminders

• Trauma isn’t a competition, and you don’t need to justify your pain to deserve support.
• If you feel activated or numb while listening, that’s a nervous system response; pause anytime.

Check the website for free resources available to both those affected by trauma and those supporting them.


What’s next


Next episode: Before Words: Understanding Preverbal Trauma
We’ll explore how the body can carry trauma from experiences that happened before you had language and how to work with it gently.


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