That's a Paddlin (A Warhammer 40k Commissar Country Song)

Well now, trooper, you'd best stand up straight. This is an upbeat, dark-humor Country & Bluegrass song about the... motivational techniques of your friendly neighborhood Commissar.

This is a story-tellin' tune, complete with banjo, fiddle, and a country twang, all about the price of cowardice and complainin'. You better believe that's a paddlin'.

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LYRICS:
(Verse 1)
Well, Trooper Jenson started feelin' scared
Said the green tide comin' wasn't very fair
Dropped his lasgun, tried to run and shout
So I pulled my bolt pistol right on out
He looked at me with big ol' puppy eyes
Full of cowardice and whimperin' lies
I just tipped my cap and said, "Now son, you shoulda known."
"For that kind of talk, you'll get more than a stone."

[Chorus]
Lookin' at me funny? That's a paddlin'.
Questionin' my orders? That's a paddlin'.
Tryin' to retreat when you ought to be attackin'?
Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

(Verse 2)
Now, Guardsman Pete was looking mighty thin
Said the nutrient paste was doin' him in
Complained about the taste and how it smelled
A story that he really shouldn't have telled
I said, "Now Pete, the Emperor provides!"
"The ungrateful man is one that He derides!"
He kept on moanin', started raisin' Cain
So I had to go and educate his brain.

[Chorus]
Lookin' at me funny? That's a paddlin'.
Questionin' my orders? That's a paddlin'.
Tryin' to retreat when you ought to be attackin'?
Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

[Bridge]
Some folks say my methods are severe
That I'm the meanest man to ever volunteer
But morale is high, and no one breaks the line
'Cause they all know what happens when they whine
It builds the character, it makes 'em tough!
When they've had more than they can stand, they've not had enough!

[Chorus]
Lookin' at me funny? That's a paddlin'.
Questionin' my orders? That's a paddlin'.
Tryin' to retreat when you ought to be attackin'?
Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

[Outro]
So tuck your shirt in, stand up straight and tall.
Or I'll introduce your face to the nearest wall.
And that's a paddlin'.

DISCLAIMER (Crucial for Warhammer 40k content):
"This is an unofficial fan-made production. Warhammer 40,000 and all associated marks, names, races, race insignia, characters, vehicles, locations, units, illustrations, and images from the Warhammer 40,000 universe are either ® or TM, and/or © Games Workshop Ltd 2000-2025, variably registered in the UK and other countries around the world. Used without permission. No challenge to their status intended. All Rights Reserved to their respective owners."

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Thank you for listening! Now stand up straight, that's an order.