Cy Girls (PS2) 5/5/2025 (Part 1)

Have plenty of fear, the Cy girls are here *sigh*. Attractive ninja and spy women in tight bodysuits going around doing that distinctive PS2 action, sounds like something that I should love but beware these girls are not as accommodating as their looks suggest. When my mother warned me to avoid certain girls I'm pretty sure she was talking about the Cy girls because these gals are nothing but trouble from start to finish. How a game that uses the same engine as MGS2, and a lot of the same styles and ideas, turn out this bad is truly impressive, especially when you had Kojima to learn from, its like having a slab of marble that Michelangelo has traced out where to cut and the developers just went "herp, derp, let me just use a chainsaw to cut along them, its basically the same thing", there's no iota of thought to making anything the cy girls do fun. In fact, I'm sure every developer who worked on cy girls had some sort of anti-fun mantra poster slapped up on their cubicle because you really have to go out of your way to make this as painful a slog that it is.

Disgustingly there's two discs to this game with one disc having red ninja woman's campaign and the other having the blue spy woman's, I chose the ninja lady because I naively thought that there's no way a game developer can mess up making a ninja fun but the cy girls even broke this golden rule. So you go around these loooooooooong ass levels, each one is at least one hour but normally closer to two hours, trying to do the primary objective which is usually a puzzle of some kind to solve. From blowing up a computer network behind a secret door to identifying the correct informant at a dinner party on paper these sound like okay concepts for an action cum stealth game but they are presented in infuriatingly obtuse ways with no real indicators of what or where you should be doing, the temperamental map not marking important objectives does not help this vexation in the slightest. For example in the second level you're just dropped into this two floor big office building and you have to find 15 Roomba's (I am dead serious) so you can change them to open a locked door so they can clean it, I mean its novel but when you're lost wandering around the same places for 2 hours you can start to see why I'm not endeared to the cy girls and this happens in every level don't fret. I must mention the ruin level for reaching legendary levels of being a complete and utter shitake mushroom, if more people knew about this game then this level would deservedly be crucified as one of the worst of all time.

Most of the time you're in the normal world complete with normal guards who need to be disposed of, or at least they would need to be if they didn't respawn as soon as you walk back into the rooms they live in, you take one step out and then back in and poof here they are again, ready to be a complete pain in the ass again, so if want to keep your sanity you'll start to just run past them as they can't follow you anyway. So that's 70% of the gameplay being reduced to just running past everything, what about the other 30%, well that's where the other CYber world comes in (see what they did there). This is kinda like a ready player one virtual world place where you have to rely on network moves rather then ninjitsu to progress, its actually quite a creative idea in a game that certainly needs more of them, you do short button input patterns to use actual firewalls to fight enemies and hack data nodes to solve puzzles. Cy girls is the only game where there's more glory in being a keyboard warrior then an actual warrior.

Some ninja guy from your village wants to hack a satellite so he can take over all the electronics in the world or something, geez there's more ninjas in the year 2094 then any other time period, oh did I not not mention this takes place in 2094? well it does but you wouldn't know it from any of the mundane things in the game. The plot makes as much sense as a drunk john bishop, granted I only did Aska's story but not even wild horses could drag me back to play the other disc so we'll just have to settle for what we've got. VA matches the quality of the gameplay with some gut wrenchingly bad accents on display, I thought one woman was going for an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, turns out she was meant to be French...

If e-girls are all the rage then Cy girls induce all the rage, the most soul sapping experience I've had for quite awhile. There is just little to no joy to be found hanging around with these girls, if you happen to see them just swipe left and deny you ever laid eyes upon them.