How Dads Help Build Secure Attachments in Children

I was talking with Dr. Russ about parenting,
and something hit me like a ton of bricks:

Our kids don't just inherit our genes-
they inherit our patterns.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Your child doesn't just pick up your smile or your laugh.
They pick up your unresolved wounds, your triggers,
and the ways you've learned (or failed) to self-regulate.

If you've ever caught your child responding with the same anxiety,
frustration, or avoidance you recognize in yourself,
you know exactly what I'm talking about.

It's hard to see a child act out of their own fears,
insecurities, and lack of self worth.

What's worse is when you know damn well
where they got it from.

It's like looking into a mirror you didn't ask for.

See if any of this resonates:

The moments when you see your child shut down during conflict,
just like you may do.

Or when they explode in frustration,
unable to express what they're feeling-
just like you might recognize within yourself.

And as parents, we love them so fiercely,
but sometimes we find ourselves repeating the very patterns
we swore we'd never pass on:

• Yelling when they don't listen.
• Avoiding conflict because we don't want to feel like the "bad guy."
• Over-apologizing or over-explaining
because we can't bear to see them upset.

We may catch ourselves and think:
Where did that come from?

And then it hits:
It's me.
It's all me.

That shame can be paralyzing.

Tell me if this relates at all.

THE ROLE OF A FATHER
(AND THE SECRET TO BREAKING THE CYCLE)

In my journey as a dad, I've had a game-changing realization:

My most important job isn't to teach Dominic how to be secure.

IT'S TO MODEL IT.

That means learning how to self-regulate
so I don't pass down the anxious
and reactive patterns I grew up with.

It means showing him, through my actions,
what it looks like to be calm, grounded,
attuned, present, empathetic,
and EMOTIONALLY SAFE parent.

It means supporting his mother in every way possible
so she can pour into him from a full battery.

The early years of his life are critical,
not just for him, but for me too.

If I want to raise a child who feels secure,
loved, and capable,
I have to do the inner work to become the man
who models those things.

Because here's the truth:
Kids don't listen to what you say.

THEY ABSORB WHO YOU ARE.

As adults, we all carry the wounds of our childhood-
unmet needs, unresolved emotions,
and the patterns we learned to survive.

When we become parents, we either:

• Heal those wounds, so our kids don't inherit them.
• Or we pass them on, unconsciously repeating the cycle.

And let's be honest:

Unless you had Unicorn parents,
No one taught us how to do this.
How to navigate big emotions,
set elegant boundaries,
or face our shadows.

But we have a choice.

One Simple Practice

Here's something I've been doing to shift the energy in my home:

When Dominic has a meltdown or an emotional outburst,
and I feel myself getting rattled,

I pause and ask myself:

"What am I making this mean about me?"

This question alone shifts me into my "observer" consciousness.

And I can quickly assess: Am I reacting from my own anxiety,
frustration, or unresolved pain?

Or am I holding space for him to feel seen,
safe, and understood?

It's not easy, and I don't always get it right.
But every time I pause,
I break the pattern just a little bit more.

Here's what I've learned:

The greatest gift you can give your child isn't toys,
opportunities, or a private education.

IT'S A REGULATED, SELF-LOVING PARENT.

When you learn to meet your own needs,
navigate your emotions,
and set elegant boundaries,
you create a ripple effect.

Your kids grow up feeling safe to be themselves
because they're not absorbing your unresolved chaos.

You stop passing down the patterns that kept you stuck-
and you start raising a child who knows their worth,
trusts their voice,
and feels at home in their own skin.

This is the promise:
You CAN break the cycle.

No matter how messy or overwhelming it feels right now,
healing is always possible.

Standing in unwavering belief in your capacity,

Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
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