"Gilbert Gottfried sits in for The News" (October 29, 2003 -

Howard came back from break and played a clip of P. Diddy talking about putting his foot up someone's butt if he finds out that his clothing line has been made in sweat shops down in Honduras. He brought Gilbert Gottfried in a short time later.

Howard was talking up Gilbert saying that he's a ''comedian's comedian'' and stuff like that. He said Gilbert probably isn't a happy guy but he's probably happy that he has two free bottles of water today. Howard asked him what it was like in school for him and figured he was goofed on. He asked him if he was ''violated with pine cones'' like some kids out on Long Island were. Gilbert said they're probably working their way up to bowling balls.

Howard tried to get into Gilbert's head to find out what's going on in there. He found out that he's never really happy and he never looks in the mirror and thinks that he's good looking. Howard said he knows that Gilbert never really goes to a nice restaurant with his girlfriend or anything like that. Howard and Gilbert said that they've run into each other outside of the show and nothing goes very well. Artie said he saw them interacting at Howard's New Year's Eve party. Gilbert said that Howard's eyes were darting around like he was looking for an escape route though. Howard said they both probably felt the same way.

Stuttering John said he was traveling with Gilbert and he asked him to save this tiny little bottle of maple syrup that he didn't use. Howard asked Gilbert why he has to save stuff like that because he has plenty of money. Gary came in and said that he was out with them at dinner one night on the same trip and said he really wasn't hungry. He said he asked Gilbert if he just didn't want to pay and he smiled and laughed like it was true. The guys also said he went to Disneyland when they were on this trip so they asked him what he did there. Gilbert said he just walked around. Howard said he had to have gotten on a few rides there. The guys asked him if he really did go on any rides. Robin said Disneyland is a place for little kids so it is very odd that he'd go there by himself.

Robin said she heard Gilbert's voice coming out of her TV the other day and he was playing another bird in ''Cyber Chase.'' Gilbert said that he's still doing the Afflack duck as well. He saw a special on VH-1 about great commercials and they didn't mention his name once when they talked about the Afflack thing.

Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie bombed when Stone Cold Steve Austin was in. Howard thought Artie was funny though and didn't have anything bad to say about the impression he was doing of Steve. Howard took another call from a guy who wondered what was up with Gina Gershon and the ashes she was carrying around during the E! show last night. Howard told Gilbert about it and how awkward it was when she asked him to talk to the ashes.

Howard took some more phone calls and asked Gilbert about working with John Ritter. He asked if John was really the genius people are claiming he is. Robin asked him if he made him laugh all the time. Gilbert said he did work with him but just laughed when they asked him the questions. He said that he wasn't invited to his funeral. Howard took a couple more calls and then had Robin start her news. Gilbert stuck around to comment on the news and do his impressions during the whole segment. Gilbert is appearing at Caroline's (Carolines.com) on Broadway tomorrow night.