How Do You Deal With Shame And Regret? | How Do You Fight Shame In Recovery?

Many addicts fight feelings of shame and guilt after they have gotten sober, but how do you deal with shame and regret. In this video, you’ll hear from recovery coach Dr. Bob Weathers as he explains the journey and thought process of someone trying to work through shame in recovery.

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So regret and shame. Let's talk about those for a second. And let's get practical, and I will I will. I personally believe that that regret and we may talk later about guilt, I believe that regret and guilt are rightful and necessary for healing. I really do. And, and by regret, what I mean is, is deep sorrow, deep sorrow for the wrongs we've done.

The program of a and na talks about making amends, it means really taking to heart what we've done in wanting to make it right. So I think regret, remorse, guilt are absolutely necessary. I distinguish those and we'll talk more about this probably today, Clint, I really make a distinction as to psychology between guilt and remorse on the one hand, and shame on the other. Now, the way that I'm going to talk about shame is that shame is only ever toxic, guilt is necessary guilt frees us to recover. Shame paralyzes us, shame actually enslaves us. And so I realize it's definitions, but it's really important that at least people understand the way I'm defining them.

And I'm trying to speak, you know, my background in psychology, there'll be different languages for this year, there's a tremendous literature on shame, I'm coming at it from a psychological perspective, and look at shame is only ever detrimental. Now, now, having made that distinction, what's to be done about this? You know, I've practiced for 10 years now, something I got very active early on, I've just, it's okay, if I speak personally. Yeah, I got very active early on in my recovery.

10 years ago, got very active in two different groups, I got very active in the 12 step approach, which worked with the sponsor work the steps, and I was going to nearly daily meetings, really grateful for that, and did a lot of good work there. There was, I think it was sometimes it's kind of a supplement for me, I got also involved. My, my doctoral dissertation was in mindfulness. And I practiced mindfulness for years, I actually practiced mindfulness through my addiction, which is sad to say, but I just want to say this, there's no magic bullet for addiction, I could practice meditation, and still be addicted. And I'm, I'm a, I'm exhibit eight, because I did. But I knew that for me, in recovery, that mindfulness would be one of the resources I really wanted to explore. So I did my due diligence, and found a group that focused on mindfulness approaches to addiction, and it was called refuge recovery.

It's It's It's actually more aligned probably with a Buddhist approach to recovery. And I'm kind of equal parts Christian by background and Buddhists, that's that's, that's both traditions are very valuable to me. And the one thing that I that I longed for in a and in the 12 step program that I felt like was missing was this aspect, the mindfulness or the meditation aspect. So I did both simultaneously. got very involved in both was Secretary of both meetings, etc. And that's just how I had to do it. It was in refuge recovery, that I learned a practice that is rooted in eastern traditions, and gets picked up for sure in western traditions, and I've followed it ever since then. It's simply called forgiveness practice.

Now, this ties into your question about what do I do as somebody who's in recovery? What can I do to support my child who's in recovery? One of the biggest pieces of recovery is how to deal with this thing that we're talking about today, which is shame. And the opposite of shame is self compassion. So if we can develop a practice, and I've been practicing it daily, I did it this morning, I did it while I swim. Now, I swim every morning at LinkedIn, I practice self forgiveness. In the in the 12 step programs, they talk about moral inventory, it's a way of doing moral inventory, is that I look at anybody that I've wronged in the last 24 hours, doesn't matter how big or how slight. And I and I practice with them, this forgiveness practice. And the practice has three components. It's developed for me for 10 years now. In fact, I did a CD on it. And this is the CD I did a few years ago called the freedom of forgiveness.





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