That Makes Me a Sad Panda - SOUTH PARK

A giant talking panda teaches the third graders about sexual harassment.
"Sexual Harassment Panda" S03

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CLASSROOM - DAY
The kids are in school.
MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let’s take our seats.
We have something very important to
discuss. Due to recent events around
the country I have been instructed to
teach you all about sexual harassment
in school.
The kids just stare.
KYLE
About what?
MR. GARRISON (cont’d)
Now, does anybody know what sexual
harassment means?
Cartman raises his hand.
MR. GARRISON (cont’d)
Yes, Eric?
CARTMAN
When you’re trying to have intercourse
with a lady friend, and some other guy
comes up and tickles your balls from
behind.
Garrison stares at Cartman.
MR. GARRISON
No Eric, that’s not what I’m talking
about! The school board has sent over
a special guest to teach us all about
sexual harassment in schools. Please
welcome Peetie The Sexual Harassment
Panda.
Garrison steps aside and a guy in a Panda suit takes his
place. The kids just look confused.
A song starts and Sexual Harassment Panda does a gay
little dance.
PANDA SONG
Who lives in the east
neath a willer tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment
To you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Don’t say that
Don’t touch there
Don’t be nasty
Says that silly bear
He’s gonna tell you
What’s right and wrong!
Sexual Harassment Panda!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA
Hi, boys and girls!
The kids look confused.
MR. GARRISON (cont’d)
(Angry)
Say HI to Sexual Harassment Panda!!
KIDS
(Half-assed)
Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Panda pulls out large picture cards and holds them out in
front of himself. The drawing is of two little pandas
outside.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA
Did you know that when one little
panda pulls on another little panda’s
underwear... That’s sexual harassment.
That makes me a saaaaad panda.
KYLE
This is freaking me out, dude.
He flips to another card.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA (cont’d)
And when one little panda puts his
furry little willy in a another
panda’s ear... That makes me a VERY
SAAAD PANDA. Now, I’m going to pass
out these booklets, and we’re going to
go through each and every sexual
harassment law.

KIDS
AWWW!
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
5 hours later.
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA
Article thirty six, section nineteen.
‘One panda may not make sexual
comments about another panda’s
appearance. If said Panda-
STAN
Aw, dude, get me out of here.
CARTMAN
I think Sexual Harassment Panda is
cool.
STAN
You would think that, you little ass
sucker.
CARTMAN
What did you call me?
STAN
An ass sucker. It means you suck ass.
When you see an ass you suck it.
You’re an ass sucker.
CARTMAN
That does it! I’m SUING YOU FOR SEXUAL
HARASSMENT!!
PANDA
Uh oh!
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
You have sexually harassed me for the
last time!
(Holding up workbook)
It says right here, that now I can sue
you and take all of your money!

PANDA
That’s right, he can.
STAN
No you can’t, you little ass sucker.
CARTMAN
Ooh! He did it again! You all heard
him!
PANDA
(reading)
‘The first party of the first panda
may sue the second party panda unless
that panda was said panda of before
mentioned panda.’