FREAKBAiT 101: P*ssy Power

The pH of the human vagina ranges from around 3.8 to 4.5, or mildly acidic, similar to that of wine (3.3-4.0) or honey (3.9-4.5). To maintain this pH, trillions of lactobacillus bacteria produce lactic acid, the same compound that gives yogurt and sourdough bread their tangy taste. YUM!

On average, the vagina produces 1-3mL of vaginal fluid a day, peaking at around 10-15mL daily during ovulation. Because of the electrolytic ions (such as sodium, potassium, and chloride) present in vaginal fluid, the electrical conductivity is around 0.5-5 mS/cm (milliSiemen per centimeter) - an apropos name for this one.

A lemon battery, using citric acid (3-6 pH), can produce around 0.9V at 1mA or 0.9mW per cell. Using the same principles, it would take around 50mL of vaginal fluid to produce the same amount of power in a vaginal fluid electrochemical cell.

To generate 5W (enough to charge your phone), you'd need around 5,500 vaginal fluid batteries, adding up to around 275 liters (or 72.7 gallons) of vaginal fluid in total.

To generate 10MW (or around the energy necessary to power a small city), you'd need over half a million liters (or 147 million gallons) of vaginal fluid.

To power the city of Los Angeles (4800MW) entirely on vaginal fluid electrochemical cells, you would need 5.33 trillion cells, adding up to over 266.67B liters (or 70.45B gallons) of vaginal fluid.

If the entire ocean (1.332 sextillion liters or 352 quintillion gallons) suddenly turned to vaginal fluid that you converted into individual vaginal fluid electrochemical cells, you could produce almost 24TW (terawatts) - or about 1.5 times the amount of power the entire Earth uses at any given moment.

Now, if the vaginal fluid was affected by bacterial vaginosis (BV), the pH can rise to 6.5 in some cases. BV-associated bacteria (like Gardnerella vaginalis) release metabolic byproducts, including amines and more free ions in the solution. More free-moving ions means better charge transport which leads to higher conductivity. Considering this, BV-affected vaginal fluid could be twice as efficient (but also way more stinky). High-octane p*ssy batteries.

Of course, this is assuming the same electrochemical mechanism as a lead-acid battery. However, biofuel cells (using urine) generate about 1-3 milliwatts (mW) per square centimeter of contact area. Utilizing the same tech (and taking into account that vaginal fluid has a lower volume and ion concentration compared to urine), a small (10 sqcm) vaginal fluid battery could produce around 2mW. Each battery would need around 5 mL of vaginal fluid to function. A ten times better efficiency!

If one vaginal fluid biobattery makes 2 mW, and you need 12Wh (43200 joules) to fully charge a standard cellphone battery: 0.002 W x 21,600,000 seconds = 43,200 J. That’s 250 days per single battery.

To charge a standard phone battery in five hours using vaginal fluid bio-batteries, you would need 6,000 individual batteries, using 30 liters (7.93 gallons) of vaginal fluid. To achieve this in a single day, 10,000 donors would need to contribute their maximum daily vaginal fluid output.

To power an average household consuming 900W of electricity using vaginal fluid bio-batteries, you would need 450,000 individual batteries, adding up to 2,250 liters (594 gallons) per day. This would require 750,000 donors contributing their maximum vaginal fluid output daily, or a vaginal-electrical industrial complex.

To power a small city (10MW) using vaginal fluid bio-batteries, we would need 5 billion individual p*ssy juice batteries, totaling 25 million liters (6.6 million gallons). To meet this demand, approximately 8.33 billion donors would have to contribute their maximum daily vaginal fluid production of 3mL - a number that exceeds the Earth's entire population.

To completely fill the ocean with vaginal fluid, assuming each donor contributes their maximum daily output of 3mL, it would require an astronomical 444 quintillion donors - a number far exceeding the total number of humans who have ever lived (or likely will ever).

If we instead used the entire global female population of ~4 billion women, donating every single day, it would take approximately 111 billion days (or 304 million years) to reach the total ocean volume. In other words, even if every woman on Earth dedicated her entire life to this cause, humanity would go extinct long before the ocean ever came close to being filled with p*ssy juice.