Why You Act Like *THAT* In Your Relationships (And How To Fix It) | Attachment Style Deep Dive!

If you keep finding yourself in relationships where you feel ignored, feeling like you’re constantly doing everything in the relationship, or like you’re always the one chasing love. Or maybe you constantly find yourself with partners that are too smothering. Or constantly nitpick everything you do or will not stop criticizing you.

It’s not just “all men are trash.” It's not just "women are crazy." It's not just bad luck. You probably have an insecure attachment style.

Attachment styles are the ways we show up in relationships. They are deeply conditioned stress responses (almost like software installs) to emotions, connections and vulnerability.

The sneaky thing is: what attracts you to a person is exactly the thing, after some time passes, that will trigger your stress responses.

For example, in the beginning of their relationship, the avoidant guy loves how carefree and open the anxiously attached girl is but eventually he starts to feel constantly criticized by her. She always seems to be telling him what he's doing wrong. The anxious girl loved how stable and non-reactive the avoidant guy was but eventually she started to read his stoicism as neglect.

In this video, we're going to talk about the different "flavors" attachment styles can come in and how you can go about regulating yourself and your relationships so you're not constantly triggering stress responses back and forth between you and your partner.

🔹 Chapters
0:00 Introduction
0:48 Introducing myself
1:41 Source materials (Linked below)
2:43 Notes are available below
3:02 What are attachment styles?
4:21 A note on neurodiversity
5:25 Secure attachment (Ego Security)
6:51 What does it mean to be "attached"?
7:33 Secure attachment example
8:50 Avoidant attachment overview
9:22 Avoidant type 1 (Ego Insult)
11:29 Internalizing vs Externalizing
12:25 Externalizing Avoidant type 1
14:06 You cannot heal while externalizing (AKA blaming others)
14:13 A lot of folks jump to volcano eventually
14:33 Avoidant type 2 (Ego Obliteration)
17:06 Trainer vs Rescuer comparison
17:29 You can move around the chart
18:03 Anxious Attachment Overview (Ego Neglect)
21:27 Volcano (Anxious internalizer)
22:48 Externalizing Anxious Attachment (Dictator)
24:12 Disorganized Attachment (Ego Abandonment)
28:13 Externalizing Disorganized (Puppet master)
30:07 Healing your attachment style
30:33 Defining attunement
31:45 3 Steps of attunement
32:16 Visualization exercise
35:44 Change the interaction ratio
36:15 Reflecting your partner
36:36 "I" statements
37:38 Offer support with confidence
39:02 Fear of being a doormat (20% rule)
41:38 Healing without a partner (Mindfulness)
42:59 Consider therapy / medication
43:14 Somatic practices
43:23 Nesting behaviors
44:04 👋

🔹 Link to these video notes
https://getoutofyourownway.net/attach...

🔹 Resources Mentioned
Patterns of Love (Yellow book) - https://www.amazon.com/Patterns-Love-...
Safety, then connection - https://www.amazon.com/Safety-then-co...
Dr. Angelica Shiels on TikTok →   / dr..angelica.shie  
Somatic Practices Resource → https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/offic...

🔹 About me
My name is Charlotte and I make videos for people who want to get out of their own damn way. We talk about the tools and strategies you need to live the life you love, so if that's something you're into, please consider LIKING, COMMENTING, SUBSCRIBING AND HITTING THE BELL 🔔

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🔍 Keywords
attachment theory, relationship patterns, emotional regulation, healing attachment wounds, childhood trauma, fear of intimacy, self-sabotage in relationships, abandonment issues, dating struggles, insecure attachment, attachment triggers, nervous system responses, partner dynamics, relationship advice, communication skills, relationship conflict, dating red flags, attachment healing, romantic relationships, relationship coaching, dating psychology, relationship therapy, attachment wounds, healthy relationships, emotional triggers, anxious-avoidant relationship

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