Say This, Not That: Autistic Partner Communication [S1E1]

Autistic partner communication, neurodiverse relationship conflict, soft vs. harsh startups. When words miss, connection does too. In this episode, Jodi shares a simple way to start hard conversations so your partner can actually hear you—plus what to say instead of “Why didn’t you…,” how to use a respectful Pause , and why fight/flight makes logic disappear for 20–30 minutes. With guest Clara’s real-life examples and Jodi’s adaptation of Gottman’s “startup” concept for autistic–neurotypical couples, you’ll leave with scripts you can use tonight!

You’ll learn how to:

Swap interrogation for curiosity (“I’d like to understand…,” “I’m curious about…”).
Avoid triggers like always/never, you’re wrong, and why didn’t you…
Use a pause to de-escalate while adrenaline clears (often 20–30 minutes).
Spot fight/flight signs—and support an autistic partner’s interoception gaps.
Make small, steady changes you control—without changing who you are.

Resources mentioned:

Consultation with Jodi (assessment + plan) → https://jodicarlton.com/private-consu...
Crack the Communication Code program → No longer offered
Check out Jodi's self-paced courses → https://jodicarlton.com/courses/relat...
Be a guest on the podcast → Email info@jodicarlton.com

Key moments:

00:00 Welcome & who this is for
00:30 Soft vs. harsh startups (with Clara)
04:05 Fight/flight: why harsh openings fail
08:59 Phrase swaps: “I’d like to understand…”
12:05 The pause (20–30 min reset)
19:22 Control what you can (self-led change)
33:34 Soft startup scripts that work

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👩‍💼 About Your Host: Jodi Carlton, MEd
Jodi Carlton is a neurodiverse relationship coach with over 20 years of experience as a therapist, coach, author, and educator. She’s also neurodivergent herself—diagnosed with ADHD as an adult—and brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her work. After 19 years in a marriage with an autistic partner and raising neurodivergent children, Jodi developed a deeply personal understanding of what it takes for relationships like yours to work—and the pitfalls that can derail them. She now coaches individuals, couples, and families around the world using a solution-focused approach that delivers real clarity and lasting change.

Free resources, quizzes, and courses available at:
https://jodicarlton.com

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