Icarus // A short film

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This film came during a more difficult time in my life where I was attempting to process a lot of new and heavy emotions. When I began the project I don't think I was quite sure where it was heading, I had just broken up with my partner at the time and was about to move to a new country, so nothing felt certain in my life anymore. I was facing a lot of change and it scared me.
I think during the time of filming it I thought it was just a way for me to work through the sadness of the breakup, but reflecting on where I was at the time mentally and the content that I filmed, I believe it is more than obvious to me now that this project was a way to work through my emotions surrounding sexual assault that I had faced only a couple of years prior.
This is not an easy topic to discuss, and I think it is clear why I was so hesitant to face it head on even when filming something so closely related to the event.
The year that I filmed this project was the peak of my emotional turmoil surrounding everything. It was the first time in my life that I was acknowledging what had happened, that I was confiding with people about what had happened, and very much attempting to work through the trauma on my own.
During this time I felt incredibly and painfully alone. Even though so many people face this, it doesn't make each unique story any easier to process.
But as much pain and sadness as it has caused me throughout the years, this film felt like a release. It was a release to film it and it was a release to put together the project and now to share it.
This film was a way to re-acknowledge my femininity, something I had pushed deep down as a way to protect myself. It was a way to reclaim my body and who I was, and to feel comfortable in my own skin.
It is about learning to trust again and to be able to love again. For a long time I was numb to either of these feelings out of fear of being hurt - wanting warmth so bad but being afraid of being burned.
For years I was scared of talking about this topic. I was scared because talking about it makes it real. But it has been something that is very real to me and unfortunately very real for many others in the world as well. Almost every individual I know has their own story, and it breaks my heart every time I realize I am not alone.
I was scared that people would see me as my trauma, and in that sense I would become it.
But I am not my trauma or my past.
: My past is not who I am, but it has made me into who I am today.