Parents, what’s the most absurd thing you found on your kid’s social media?

My 10-year-old daughter accidentally left her tablet open yesterday, and I nearly choked on my coffee when I saw her search history. The first thing that jumped out at me was "how to make it bigger and harder." I felt my soul leave my body as I kept reading: "making it really big and hard," "why won't mine get hard," "how to make it stay hard longer," "mine is too soft and small," and "how to get it really stiff."

I was having a full-blown panic attack. How does a 10-year-old even know about these things? I started spiraling, wondering if she'd been exposed to inappropriate content online or if some creepy kid at school had been talking to her. My hands were literally shaking as I continued scrolling through her search history, my mind racing with worst-case scenarios.

It got worse. Much worse. I found searches like "how to make it wet and sticky," "mine keeps going limp," "how to make it stand up straight," "why does it get soft when I touch it," "how to make it firm and thick," "making it really long and hard," and "how to pound it until it's thick." I felt like I was going to throw up. What kind of conversations was my innocent little girl having online?

Then I found the most disturbing searches of all: "how to beat it really hard until it's perfect," "stretching it out as much as possible," and "making it bounce and jiggle." I nearly fainted right there in the kitchen. I immediately called my husband at work, whispering frantically into the phone about our daughter's search history. He rushed home from his meeting, thinking we were dealing with some kind of serious situation that might require professional intervention or counseling.

We decided we needed to approach this delicately but directly. We sat her down in the living room and tried to create a safe, non-judgmental environment where she'd feel comfortable being honest with us. I took a deep breath and asked her about her recent internet searches, trying to keep my voice calm and steady despite my racing heart. She immediately got excited and said, "Oh! I've been trying to figure out how to make mine perfect like the ones I see online!"

My husband and I exchanged absolutely terrified glances. I asked her very carefully what she meant by "making it perfect," bracing myself for whatever disturbing answer she might give. She bounced up and down on the couch enthusiastically and said, "You know, making it really big and hard and getting it to stand up straight! Mine always comes out soft and floppy, and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong no matter how hard I try!"

I felt like I was going to pass out. My husband cleared his throat nervously and asked her to show us exactly what she was talking about. She grabbed her tablet excitedly and pulled up a YouTube video titled "Perfect Slime Tutorial - How to Make Your Slime Big, Hard, and Stretchy!"

The relief hit me like a freight train. I started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. My daughter looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind and said, "Mom, why are you crying? It's just slime!" She then proceeded to show us video after video of slime tutorials, explaining how she'd been trying to make the perfect batch but kept ending up with "gross, soft, sticky slime" instead of the "big, hard, stretchy slime" she saw online.

My husband was trying so hard not to laugh that his face turned bright red.

We spent the rest of the evening at the kitchen table, helping her create the perfect batch of slime while she excitedly explained the science behind "making it big, long, hard and stretchy."

Slime tutorials. She'd been watching slime tutorials.