Oh No, A Vegan! - Vegan Swing Jazz Parody

🎷 Oh No, A Vegan! – A theatrical swing jazz parody about the panic, the chaos, and the tofu-fueled fear of discovering a vegan in your midst! 🌱💥

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🖤 LYRICS:

Oh, gather ‘round, let me tell ya the news,
It’s spreading fast, it’s shaking our shoes!
You won't believe what I just found,
A vegan’s loose in this old town!

(Oh no! A vegan!?)
(Yes! And they’re everywhere!)
(What do they eat?! What do they do?!)
(Nobody knows, but it’s somethin’ new!)

He walks right in with his almond milk,
His hummus bright, his hair like silk!
No steak, no ribs, no buttered toast,
Just leaves and beans—he’s one of those!

(One of those?!)
(Yeah, one of THOSE!)
(But… but… WHY?!)
(Nobody knooooows!)

They ruin barbecues and dinner plans,
They ask for plant-based at the stands!
They talk of kindness, cows, and cheese,
But how do they get their PROTEIN, PLEASE?!

Oh no! A vegan! (doom-filled horns)
What will we do?!
They're eatin’ tofu…
And changin’ the view!

Oh no! A vegan! (jazz hands)
They're out in the streets!
They're plantin’ ideas!
And takin’ our meats!

He sits at dinner, so polite,
Then someone shouts: "Tell us why!"
He simply shrugs and takes a sip,
Then drops a bomb with just one lip…

("I just don’t wanna kill no more…")
("WHAT?!?")
("It’s really not that big a chore.")
("NO STEAK?!?")
("Nope.")
("NO CHEESE?!?")
("No need!")
("BUT WHY?!?!?")
("Cause kindness, baby, tastes real sweet!")

Oh no! A vegan! (dramatic pause)
They're raisin’ the stakes!
With lentil soufflés!
And egg-free cakes!

Oh no! A vegan! (fast Charleston rhythm)
They're happy and strong!
It’s makin’ us THINK!
And maybe... they're not so wrong?!

("WAIT, WHAT?!")
("Oh yeah, baby…")
("...should we try it?")
("Come on now, don't be shy!")

Now the town’s in panic mode,
But Mr. Steak feels quite alone…
No one's laughin’, no one's mad,
Just one thought inside their heads…