To Heather, from Bongo, ORL Paw, Re: Counter-Offer Proposal for a Contingency-Based Accord for May

To: Heather (Human Co-Owner, The Kitty Beautiful Cat Café) CC: May (Client), Levi (Enabler) From the Desk of Bongo, Esq., ORL PAW Date: January 10, 2026 Re: Your Counter-Offer and Proposal for a Contingency-Based Accord

Heather,

I have received and reviewed your response. Let the record show that your missive was examined not only by myself but also by a panel of one (1) senior associate (a stunningly beautiful gray cat, much like myself) named Star, and was found to be… unconventional.

Your defense: “I did it for the internet”.
This is audacious. In legal circles, this is known as the “Viral Provocation” defense and is generally considered a long shot, roughly on par with claiming temporary insanity brought on by a bad can of tuna. Yet, I must concede, your presentation has a certain erratic charisma.

You have reframed this matter. Initially, this was a case of The Tort of Unwanted Show Tunes. You are now attempting to reclassify it as a case of Proactive Altruistic Interference. It is a bold strategy. And while my fiduciary duty to my client, May, is paramount, one must also acknowledge the potential for a swift and mutually agreeable settlement.

Therefore, I am prepared to accept your terms.

Effective immediately, the Cease and Desist order is suspended pending the outcome of what we shall henceforth refer to as “Operation: Valentine.” The goal: a permanent, loving, and quiet home for my client by February 14th, 2026.

Understand that this is not a truce. It is a strategic alliance. I will be overseeing this operation with the precision of a hawk, or at the very least, a very focused housecat. My role shall be Lead Strategist and Chief Adoptions Vetting Officer. I will be observing all potential applicants from my vantage point atop the “Kitty Kondo” tree, taking silent depositions with my gaze. Any human who makes sudden movements, speaks in baby talk, or fails to appreciate the subtle art of a slow blink will be summarily dismissed.

Heather, you are hereby promoted from Menace to Feline Well-Being to Creative Director of Emotional Narratives. The burden is yours. You must curate the content. No more random warbling. No more interpretive dance to “Bohemian Rhapsody.” We need art. We need pathos.

We begin a new video series:

“The Ballad of May, Unseen Queen”

Each episode, you will perform a torch song of longing and heartbreak—for her, about her. We will highlight her aloofness not as disinterest, but as discernment. She is not ignoring the world. She is judging it. And one day, someone will pass the test.

Sample Themes:

“She waits… not for love, but for understanding.”
“Her purr is a myth. Or is it?”
“The sunbeam knows her name. Will you?”

I suggest you start with “Memory” from Cats.

The irony is too potent to ignore.

Levi: You are no longer an enabler. You are now Props and Ambiance. Your duties will include:

Sitting cutely in the background.
Occasionally bat at the feather boa or dangling toy (NOT at another cat).
Do not lick yourself during takes. This is not a documentary.
Fail in your duties, and you will be reassigned to litter duty. Permanently.

Heather, the burden is on you. The internet is a fickle beast, and my client’s patience, while vast, is not infinite. Should this task fail by the stroke of noon on Valentine’s Day, the Cease and Desist will be reinstated with prejudice. The 72-page complaint will be filed. I will personally see to it that the only song you are allowed to sing in this establishment is “Happy BirthdaY." And only on actual birthdays, at a moderate decibel level, and only if the celebrating party has submitted an adoption application in triplicate and passed my gaze-based interview.

Let’s give our girl the ending she deserves. A quiet one. Preferably in a sunbeam in a living room that does not double as a performance venue.

The case is not closed. It is merely… adjourned.

Sincerely (and with a newfound sense of purpose),

Bongo, Esq. Founder, ORL PAW Lead Counsel, Operation: Valentine
Headquarters: The Kitty Beautiful, 360 State Lane, Downtown Orlando
www.TheKittyBeautiful.com

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