Ellie’s first year

Ellie is 1 tomorrow and in a year filled with sadness, grief, anxiety, and isolation she has been a shining light, helping me uncover a love I didn’t know was possible. The most meaningful part of becoming a parent for me has been that the process of creating life and starting to raise Ellie has brought up for me all the unexamined parts of my own inner child that needed to be witnessed, held, and healed. In striving to become the kind of parent I want to be for her, my soul rests easier day by day and I find my own sense of groundedness and peace. The other startling revelation for me, in witnessing her cascade through a series of emotions daily (happiness, sadness, frustration, fatigue, etc), is how transitory and yet important our own feelings are; and the sudden realization that everyone I interact with is just a big baby that’s grown up. I find myself more worried for strangers, more moved by internet videos, using my sing song calming mom voice on conference calls when counterparties seem “fussy”, and this feeling of boundless, expansive love and gratitude that I didn’t know I could have. The most common question I get since becoming a parent is to ask how I’m sleeping. The answer is “like shit! And it’s the absolute honor of my life to be woken up by someone who needs me so profoundly and who I’m able to love and comfort and hold and witness until she’s calmed again.” I’m conscious that this time is brief, and there will come a day when she’s not in my house or interested in snuggling with me. Until then, I’m soaking up every instant of this profound and life changing love.

Happy birthday Ellie, we love you.