Misunderstood Expressions

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Cringe

Death Sentence: When I was little a kid in my grade school told me that a death sentence was when the executioner utters a phrase and it kills the prisoner.

Abusing Drugs: Sorry Advil, I really love you. It was just a joke!

Toss my Cookies: I always thought the Cookie Monster wasted way more cookies than he actually ate. Also puking milk is a personal nightmare.

Watch My Soaps: I would definitely watch that Shampoo Show

Crap Shoot: Was too gross for this video

Office Pool: Little known fact... back when I worked in an office I was NCAA March Madness Basketball Bracket Champion. Undefeated. Straight Cash Homie!

Pay Per View: I didn't have cable growing up. I thought it was paper view for a while. Like paper Mario.

DJango: My buddy literally said "Hey guys do you wanna go see D-Jango? The Trailer looks sick!" We were all like uh... Jamie Foxx says IN THE TRAILER that the D is silent. Also for the record "Leonardo DiCaprio" is an epic name.

Party Pooper: Bathroom Clubbin

Bare With Me: I sent my mom an email and actually did mis-use "bear" and "bare" ... but I'm pretty sure it was an autocorrect and not human error.

Grow a Pair: for you eagle eyes... that's a Pair of Pairs and I buried the berries near the pear tree. Fuck the partridge.

Make Ends Meet: I was making the ends of the meat meet... right? Right? Also I love to grilled meats.

Sitcom: Laugh Track is magic.

Step on a Crack, Break your Mother's Back: TRUE STORY. When I was a little kid my aunt told me "Step on a Crack break your mother's back," which scared the absolute shit out of me. So much so that I avoided stepping on any cracks whenever possible and still do to this day. I came up with an elaborate game where even if I stepped on a crack, I could neutralize it by stepping in a specific point between two cracks like a master thief dancing through a room of security lasers.

tl; dr: I still have a problem stepping on cracks. Mom: You're welcome.