Still Waters | Steph Macleod

Relapsed back into addiction after 8 years sobriety. I had also been a Christian for 8 years. This is the only song on my album Gold written during active addiction. Gold is an album written in hospital and later released in the hope it might inspire and encourage others to be emotionally transparent and raise mental health and recovery awareness.

Written when I was utterly broken, I was very ill with undiagnosed PTSD from childhood trauma and trauma when I was homeless in my twenties. I had kept these things secret in fear of rejection from my family, church, friends etc.

But, we are only as sick as our secrets. I was slowly falling into a deeper pit of despair and I turned back to the temporary relief of alcohol and prescription meds because I didn’t know how else to ease the pain. It didn’t work. Our lives imploded and I lost everything.

I know God loves me; I know what he did for me; and yet I hated myself and was holding onto my guilt and shame. I couldn’t figure it out; I turned back to alcohol because I couldn’t bear the stress and pain of the mental images from abuse I’d suffered. I didn’t know what I know now.

I was so lost in the depths of mental health I felt exactly like, if not worse, I did when I was a homeless 25 year old man in the midst of addiction. This was before I was a Christian.

Wrapped up in so much anguish, lonely beyond belief, mad as a hatter, and suicidal, I felt hopeless. Wrapped in my own brokenness I couldn’t connect to God no matter how hard I tried. I FELT like I’d lost my salvation. I was convinced I was going to hell.

This might make people feel uncomfortable but it’s how I felt and thought at the time. I was convinced. But I was very ill.

I’ve never been a Theologian (I’m a songwriter) but I am aware the theology police will likely jump on some of the allegorical lyrics, but it’s a representation of my desperate emotional state before nearly losing my life in January 2016. Hopefully that’ll clear up any confusion; some folk really pick up on these things.

I finished the song later in the year reflecting on psalm 23. I came to realise God had never left me and walked with me through all the pain and into my physical, mental and spiritual recovery. I am so grateful for this.

Becky Dawson dances in the video. She has her own testimony of Gods Grace in her life. I applaud my sisters freedom of worship and expression for the Lord in dance.

The truth is, even as Christians we can veer off the path. We can then convince ourselves it’s all over and hopeless. But even during my convictions God was faithful and took me on a journey to emotional transparency, honesty, and smashed through the shame and guilt that was never mine to carry.

Thank you Jesus for the gift of music. For the ability to sing about brokenness. For making the way to healing and wholeness in You.

If you’d like to support Steph during the current COVID-19 Pandemic, you can donate at:

PayPal: https://paypal.me/StephMacleodMusic

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