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In this episode of the Relationship Renovation Podcast, hosts Tarah and EJ Kerwin are joined by therapist Leanne Rogers to explore "differentiation" in relationships, which is the ability to maintain your own identity while staying emotionally connected to your partner. Leanne shares her journey from wedding planner to therapist, discusses the challenges of balancing individuality and intimacy, and offers practical insights on managing emotional tension, setting boundaries, and fostering authentic connection. The episode highlights differentiation as a developmental process essential for healthy, resilient relationships, and encourages listeners to embrace self-awareness and vulnerability for deeper partnership growth.
Timestamps:
Introduction to Differentiation (00:00:00) Overview of differentiation: holding onto yourself while staying connected to your partner; setting up the episode’s main theme.
Leanne’s Background: From Wedding Planner to Therapist (00:01:16) Leanne shares her journey from wedding planning in Mexico to becoming a couples therapist and her early interest in relationships.
Skills from Wedding Planning to Therapy (00:03:47) Leanne discusses how her organizational skills and calm presence as a wedding planner translate into her therapy work.
Personal Experience with Losing Self in Relationships (00:06:23) Leanne describes feeling lost in past relationships and realizing the need for personal growth and self-examination.
Discovering Differentiation (00:08:24) Leanne explains how reading "Passionate Marriage" introduced her to differentiation and its importance in her life and work.
Defining Differentiation (00:10:09) Clear definition: holding onto yourself while staying connected, allowing for emotional boundaries and individual truths.
Family Influence on Differentiation (00:12:36) How family patterns and upbringing affect one’s ability to differentiate in adult relationships.
Developmental Process of Differentiation (00:14:26) Discussion of how differentiation is a developmental stage, especially challenging for couples who partnered young.
Individuation vs. Differentiation (00:16:05) Clarifying the difference between individuation and differentiation, and the role of emotional risk in relationships.
Taking Emotional Risks (00:17:15) Leanne shares a personal story about vulnerability and the challenge of expressing true feelings early in a relationship.
Promoting Differentiation in Couples Therapy (00:18:40) Introduction of the Relationship Renovation at Home program and how therapy helps couples build emotional safety and skills.
Tolerating Tension and Emotional Risk (00:20:39) How couples work involves helping people tolerate tension and hold space for differences without taking responsibility for each other’s feelings.
Recognizing and Building Differentiation (00:22:51) The importance of self-awareness, knowing your own feelings and values, and the process of helping couples become more differentiated.
Stages of Relationship: Merging to Differentiation (00:25:26) Explanation of relationship stages: initial merging, followed by differentiation and the challenges that arise after the honeymoon phase.
Obstacles to Differentiation (00:28:11) Why differentiation is difficult, which couples struggle most, and the confusion between avoidant attachment and true differentiation.
Activation and Window of Tolerance (00:30:19) How emotional activation and being outside your window of tolerance make differentiation and presence difficult.
Personal Growth Through Differentiation (00:31:03) Tara shares a personal win about becoming more differentiated and calm in a difficult conversation.
Boundaries and Practice in Differentiation (00:32:33) Leanne discusses the need for boundaries in relationships and the importance of practicing “bumping up” against each other.
Creating Safe Spaces for Emotional Risk (00:34:29) The role of therapy and intentional safe spaces in helping couples take emotional risks and grow together.
Clarifying Growth vs. Change (00:39:13) Reframing the idea of “changing” your partner to focusing on personal growth and sharing experiences.
Benefits of Differentiation: Authenticity and Resilience (00:40:27) What healthy differentiation looks like: authenticity, open communication, and increased resilience to difficult moments.
Loss of Attraction and Authenticity (00:42:30) How lack of differentiation can lead to loss of attraction and intimacy, and the importance of being your authentic self.
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