159 Days Without Her | Returning to the U.S. for the First Time Since My Wife Died

It’s been 159 days since Melissa died.
In this episode, I talk about booking my first trip back to the U.S. — something I’ve both needed and feared.

I’ll start in Los Angeles to see my friend Monique — a bright spot in these darker months — and then head to Phoenix to spend time with old friends, my tribe. There will be laughter, tears, and hopefully a little bit of work to help offset the cost of it all. Mostly, I just need to be around people who remember who I was before.

But grief has its own schedule. Even good things can feel heavy. I still wake up at night, still feel anxiety that makes no sense. I’m better than I was, but not “better.” The days move forward and backward — sometimes in the same hour.

I also talk about an unexpected detour: visiting the Paris hospital where Melissa spent so much time. I knew it would wreck me, and it did. But I went anyway — maybe to see if it still hurt. (It does.) Still, I’m learning that even when I can’t predict grief, I can at least recognize its patterns — and that awareness helps.

If you’re in this space too — if you’ve lost someone you love and you’re just trying to find your footing again — you’re not alone. I read every comment. Your words matter more than you know.

Thank you for being here, and for sharing your stories.
We’re all learning to live inside the mapless places.

—Keith