How to Hold Your Teenager (& Other Loved Ones) Accountable...Don't | Joseph Grenny

A passionate social scientist, Joseph Grenny's life's work involves studying crucial moments that have the potential to change the trajectory of our lives, relationships, and careers. Specifically, he has spent the past 30 years researching interpersonal skills—when what we say and how we say it can mean the difference between success and failure.

Recently, while on vacation with his wife, Joseph's teenage son threw a late-night party that caught the neighbor's attention. When faced with the challenge of holding his son accountable without damaging the often tenuous parent/teenager relationship, Joseph turned to the example of Jim Sporleder.

Sporleder is the principal of Lincoln High School, an alternative school in Walla Walla, Washington. In his four-year tenure, reportable incidents have dropped by 60 percent. He's doing something right.

To illustrate what he does differently, Sporleder shared the story of Emilio—a kid he caught smoking pot on school grounds. In that crucial moment, Sporleder understood an important principle: when we feel safe, we embrace truth; when we embrace truth, we feel empathy; and when we feel empathy, we embrace responsibility.

Instead of laying into the delinquent student, Sporleder engaged Emilio in a conversation about stress in his personal life. It turns out, Emilio had been through seven different fosters homes in seven years. He recently landed at his grandmother's house which tragically burned down six months earlier, killing his sister. Shortly after, a younger sister was beaten to death by his step father. Emilio felt tremendous guilt for not protecting his sisters.

After making an emotional connection, Sporleder and Emilio concluded the marijuana was likely a symptom of not knowing how to manage that kind of tragedy and stress. They went on to discuss and pursue drug-free ways for managing stress. Emilio still served the mandatory 35-day suspension; the difference is what he did with that experience to change the trajectory of his life.

Joseph teaches his audience that when your goal is simply holding others accountable, you'll experience the opposite results that Sporleder did—you'll provoke fear, not empathy. That's because in moments of accountability, the human brain is programmed to feel threatened. Using these principles, Joseph held the kind of accountability conversation with his son that addressed his bad behavior while also strengthening their relationship.

Imagine, holding this kind of productive conversation with a misbehaving teenage son. Joseph teaches it can be done. Simply, don't hold your loved ones accountable. Instead, make an emotional connection and accountability will be the result.

These are moments of disproportionate influence. Our moral authority to influence others in the world comes from our efforts to seize these moments and help change the trajectory of those we love in a positive way.