Finding ‘safe’ people after narcissistic abuse

After suffering narcissistic abuse it can be difficult to know what one can expect from relationships with others. So much energy has been spent learning how to survive chronic mistreatment at the hands of the narcissist that one may have never learned how to pose & answer the question of what qualities one wants in a friend or partner and what qualities one does not want. In some ways it can be like having to live on saltine crackers for a year then being put in front of a personal chef and asked what meal s/he should make for you…huh?

This is an important question b/c the extent to which we are surrounded by safe people will have a big influence over the process of recovering from narcissistic abuse and just on one’s quality of life. In short, the dilemma faced by the child of a narcissistic parent is that s/he loses a sense of belonging if s/he pays more attention to themselves than to the narcissistic parent…with safe people that is not a dilemma but a win-win: the more connected to and attention paid to oneself the more connected to the other person one gets to feel. For survivors of narcissistic abuse that may seem far-fetched or a paradox. The generosity of spirit needed for this to happen was just not available from their narcissistic parent and perhaps family members.
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