Retroactive Jealousy - BUT I'm Not Jealous!

Many people who struggle with retroactive jealousy aren't jealous at all. They don't wish it was them.

They often describe the feeling more like this:
I just feel angry or a bit disgusted by what I know.
It crushes my ego, I feel belittled by it.
I feel conflicted, because I'm not a judgy or misogynistic person. Yet I find myself looking at my partner and thinking 'damaged goods, or used or slut'. And I feel really bad about myself for thinking like this.
Or it reminds me of my sexual struggles, I feel insecure.
Or I'm just always thinking about this particular detail, picturing it, obsessing.

So yes - the word 'jealousy' is a bit of a misnomer here.

It does apply sometimes. I've spoken with people quite fixated on how they might get their numbers up, to catch up with their partner's bodycount. Or always thinking that as long as they stay in the relationship, they'll never have all the experiences their partner did. That's a form of jealousy.

But either way, remember that the term 'retroactive jealousy' isn't 'official'. It's not a psychological term or diagnosis. A lot of experienced therapists aren't familiar with this term.

But if you describe what you're experiencing to a good therapist: the relentless thoughts about your partner's past, the horrible feeling, the urge to fix it or say something or seek assurance or run away. They'll say "oh yes - I know what that is. It's OCD". And it most often is.

#retroactivejealousy #ocd

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The information provided by Jason Dean is solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or sexual health conditions. Although Jason Dean is a psychotherapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your doctor before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.