Why Hurt People Hurt People (Emotional Projection Explained) | Dexter Lam

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EPISODE TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Intro - Why Hurt People Hurt People
00:12 Episode Overview
00:55 What is Projection?
01:42 How to Identify Projection
02:12 Defining “Hurt People”
02:40 Example of Hurt People Projecting
03:30 Get Your Mental Models Ebook
03:50 What You Can Do When You RECEIVE PROJECTION
05:05 How to Reframe Projection So You Don’t Absorb It
05:35 The Power of Creating Space
05:50 Tip to Handle Someone’s Projection
06:18 What You Can Do When YOU’RE PROJECTING
06:50 Why Being Overly Defensive is Projection
07:30 Importance of Self Awareness and Mindfulness to Stop Projecting
07:58 What is Hater’s Mentality?
08:45 Tip to Build Self Awareness (Creating Space)
09:20 How to Use Mindfulness to Self Reflect
09:45 Ways to to do the Inner Work
10:15 Conclusion and Importance of Emotional Control
10:55 Understanding and Rationalizing Projection
11:30 Outro

You’ve probably heard the saying “hurt people hurt people.” I used to hear that phrase and think it was just a cliché, until I started to notice how often it plays out in real life. When someone lashes out at you, gets overly defensive, or throws harsh judgment your way, nine times out of ten, it’s not really about you at all.

It’s a mirror of something unresolved inside of them.

What I’ve learned is that projection is a defense mechanism. It happens when someone has pain they don’t know how to process, and instead of facing it, they push it outward. Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of this. Maybe you’ve caught yourself projecting too. Both sides can feel draining and confusing, but awareness is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Think about it this way: people who feel secure and at peace don’t usually go out of their way to tear others down. But when someone carries insecurity, jealousy, or low self esteem, that pain finds its way out through criticism, judgment, or anger. Recognizing this doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps you realize that it isn’t about your worth or identity, it’s about theirs.

And if you notice yourself projecting, here’s the good news. Becoming more self aware is the doorway to change. You can pause, reflect, and start doing the inner work so you’re not passing the pain forward. That’s what emotional intelligence is really about; creating space between your feelings and your actions, so you choose better, healthier ways to respond.

My name is Dexter Lam, and I’ve been on both sides of this vicious cycle. I’ve been projected onto, and I’ve projected my own pain too. But the more self aware you become, the less you’ll unconsciously carry your wounds into your relationships. You deserve to break that cycle.

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