26. The Science of How to Say Sorry: Reflecting on Apologies

The Home of Wellbeing and Joy.



Welcome to Episode 26 Reflecting on Apologies, where Dr Marcus and Charlie explore what makes an apology meaningful, why saying sorry is so hard, and how genuine remorse and repair can restore trust and help us heal.



From the idea that apology is a process (not a single line) to the six core ingredients of effective apologies, this episode dives into the psychology of repair, why vulnerability matters, how closeness and gender can make apologies more difficult, and why timing, responsibility, and follow-through are everything.



We explore:

• Why apology is best understood as a process of affect, affirmation, and action (Slocum et al., 2011) 🧩

• The six ingredients of an effective apology: regret, explanation, responsibility, repentance, offer of repair, request for forgiveness (Lewicki et al., 2016) 📋

• How closeness and gender shape our ability to apologise and receive apologies 👥

• When an apology is enough, and when repair needs time, action, or boundaries ⏳



Practical Advice for Listeners:




1.


Be specific & honest: name the behaviour: “I said X, and I know it hurt you.”




2.


Acknowledge the impact: show you see their experience (impact matters more than intent).




3.


Offer repair: ask, “What can I do to make this right?” and follow through.




4.


Don’t rush forgiveness: an apology is responsibility-taking, not a demand for instant reconciliation.




5.


Practice self-apology: use journaling or self-compassion statements to release lingering guilt.




6.


Receiving an apology: take your time; distinguish genuine remorse from performative language.






Thanks for listening, and if something resonates, share it with someone who needs it 🧡



📍 Pillars explored: Connection & Community, Introspection & Inspiration, Wellbeing & Joy



📚 References cited in this episode:

• Slocum, D., Allan, A., & Allan, M. M. (2011). An emerging theory of apology. Australian Journal of Psychology, 63(2), 83–92. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2...



• Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. https://doi.org/10.1111/ncmr.12073



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